What defines us? Do we choose it, or do the events choose us? Are we able to control them, or are we helpless to the grand scheme of things? Is it through superior design in the universe, or the hand of God? Or is life a series of chances, rolls of the dice, that we are not even a factor in?
I sure don't know, though I wish I did.
Who are we to gamble with the world, with chance, with life? Is it our place to really step in, demand that the universe listens to our cries, pleads, hopes, desires, anger and reproaches? There are many who would argue no. Life is simply an idea that we have created in order to express our anger towards what we see as something that is set to destroy our peaceful world. It provides an avenue to blame all of the negative for, while ignoring it when times go right. We can not sincerely expect that this idea our society has created to be something we have a right to mess with. Life is larger than you or me- it is the combination of numerous events occurring outside of our control, impacting our daily decisions. Even the food stalls we pass on the way to work can affect our moods and choice for the entire day. (research actually supports this)
I would argue that we are in some control of our life. We are the one who allows ourselves to make the choices that we do. What I think people, myself included, need to learn to accept, is that the choices we are free to make are guided, influenced and shaped by past events that we may or may not have been able to control.
For instance, I struggle with trusting people. My jadedness became apparent to me when in college and glaring obvious this year, though the exact source is a mystery to me, as there was never something horrific that occurred in my past where a dear friend betrayed my trust. Simply little things over time added up, like for others. Kids making careless jokes about another student being "retarded", and me choosing to not trust that child due to the fact that my brother is disabled and I took offense. Should this mean that my new coworker deserves the suspicion I feel towards him when he simply tries to be nice and help me out? No. It is simply the reality of the world that has developed around me, through my own actions and the worlds actions upon me.
I believe what matters most are the actions we choose to take upon realizing the hand we have been dealt by life that truly matter. The choices me make once we realize the mistakes of the past choices we have decided upon. It is when we try again, the re-roll in the game if you will, or do-over that God allows, that speak loudest in this world.
We have all been hurt by the people in this world, affected by negative choices others and we have made, scarred by the pain in some way. Whether we feel that pain by shutting down, shutting people out, refusing to think about it, screaming at the world, screaming at ourself, or break down in tears- we are all human. It's okay. We're allowed to feel the way we do. And we are allowed to feel angry at the world, angry at genders or people even- as long as we eventually step back from that anger and accept the fact that life is a combination of more than just chance and others, but us too.
Accept that life is simply that, life. We can control our choices, but only within as much as we can control all of our past at once. Humans are complex creatures, living as an endless riddle.
I once asked my ex if he ever regretted any of the choices he made with his past relationships, considering the fact that so many had ended so horrifically. He thought about it and said, "No." Naturally, I was shocked by this and asked why. He proceeded to explain to me that at one point, he had wanted that person, wanted that relationship, was happy in the state he was in with that person. How can he ever regret something he once wanted? He can't.
Never regret the choices you have made. Regret not learning from them, for they are the saving grace God has granted us I feel. It is only by the fact that we can learn from our past, come to the heightened understandings of who we are, the choices we have made, and the person we are existing as today, that separate us from other creatures on this humble planet.
I began believing in no regrets in college. . . I've forgotten what that means until now. No more.
What about you?
Love,
Me
