Currently I am sitting in my apartment in QHD with the realization that in less than two weeks, I will be stepping on to a plane and returning to America for good.
How did this happen?
It feels as though a tide has swept into my life, and I'm not sure where or when, but somehow my world has been shifted (not for the first time). Where once I found myself sitting in my apartment hiding from China, I now sit staring out the window in wistful sadness. Where at one time I used to find myself angry, unhappy, and struggling against what I saw as shortcomings on China's end, now I rejoice in the areas I never even knew held beauty. I'm not sure where or when, but somehow things changed...and it's all due to my kids. My kids saved me.
There won't be much to this blog post, I'm not sure what to say or how to say it. Honestly, I struggle with finding words to talk to my kids as it is, telling them the hard truth that I am leaving in two weeks, and fighting to hold the pieces of my broken heart as they look at me with sadness on their face and even a few with tears in their eyes. These kids, they mean so much to me. I've taught about half of my eight classes for a year now, becoming very close to them. The other four have quickly formed a solid place in my heart that can never be taken away. With all of them, we laugh, wave hi to each other on the street, and make jokes. With a few classes, I've become particularly close, baking them cookies or being let in on class secrets and relationship updates. This is why I came here, and why it is so hard to leave.
Not to mention two kids especially who have become my best friends. One kid has become my little brother, we have shared laughter, tears, and many many evenings talking about everything. He knows my secrets, and I know his. I trust him, and love him like my own family. The other was the first person to reach out to me here, wanting to be my friend simply to be friends, not because he wanted to know a foreigner. In China, that means a lot. We hang out like it's no big deal, (which, if you know how awkward hanging out with shy students can be, IS a big deal), talk for hours on end, share movies, food, and stories. He is one of my closest friends here, and I have become one of his.
Then there's S. Her and I weren't that close last semester (what between me adjusting to China, and her adjusting to teaching, neither of us were capable of it yet), yet somewhere between traveling together during winter vacation, and the countless late night talks, she has become one of my best friends. Neither of us are really sure when it happened, and it's the fastest I have ever become so close to someone, but there you have it. One of the surprisingly beautiful side-effects of living overseas. Her and I are very different, she's probably the most opposite of me of any of my friends, yet I trust her and she me.
How do I say goodbye to them? How do I walk away from students I care about and have watched grow over a full year, walk away from friends I love, and away from another family I have formed while living in different country. These people have become my world, and June 24th marks the day I must say goodbye until I can come back to QHD again. Though I know the time between now and when I come back will be long, in my eyes, it will be short. What is a year or two to an expat who has lived four years over seas? Nothing, we know that days fly quickly and even time cannot stand between two friends.
Sorry if this is a bit of a sad blog post. I wanted to write one last time at least before leaving my expat life. It seemed an appropriate end, and I wanted to share. Telling others of the sadness in my heart is hard, and I know some would say I'm either being sentimental or over-reacting...but this is who I am, this is HOW I am. I feel everything, love many, struggle with change, and hate saying goodbye. I love you guys.
Always
The Expat Teacher,
Rita
