Last year, around this time, I was beginning a summer camp for mentally disabled kids. I didn't really know what I was doing, I was 23, barely one year out of college, and scared out of my mind.
Only about 2 months or so before that time I had been sparked with the idea to start the camp by my father. He mentioned it as a joke- I took him seriously. Not many people knew that I actually started this camp. I was the owner, manager and lead instructor. I bought an LLC, researched insurance, created consent forms, hired an employee, and spent weeks preparing. Very few knew these things. I don't like to brag, and hate attention. (Though by writing this blog, I realize I am going against these very words. I need to talk about them though, that is how I understand my world and what I am feeling. Only by talking about things, expressing how I feel, am I able to see and grasp an understanding of my world, my goals, and the reality of the situation outside my head.)
Yet, when my former employee who took over the camp from me this summer announced that she had been given a $500 donation, I felt a pang of jealousy. Then I saw a comment later how we had started the camp. I was raised to not be prideful, but I found myself puffing up in pride anyways, wanting to yell at her. It was not the two of us who put forth hundreds of dollars to create the camp. It was not the two of us who worked one-on-one with the principal to make the camp happen. It was not the two of us who had spent weeks preparing lessons and activity ideas for the future students. And for her to say it was, hurt and offended me. She hadn't meant harm by her comment, so I couldn't be angry at her. I still was though. My father helped remind me that I, my students, and the parents will always know the truth- that should be enough for me. So, knowing my Dad was right, I did my best to let it go.
Then, I saw my former employee post another status recently. A reporter had heard about the camp. She is planning to interview my former employee about it. I felt a stab of jealousy strike me again. Attention, bragging, and being the center of attention are things I despise and feel anxiety over. I would hate having to talk to a reporter. I would feel horrid nervousness and dislike it, wishing it on anyone else except me.
But that doesn't mean that I wouldn't want to share with the world what the camp was about, who these kids were, make sure she had a real understanding for the intentions in creating the camp. It doesn't mean that I don't wish it wasn't me talking to her, instead of her. It doesn't mean that I don't want her to hear the story from my lips.
It's not that my former employee, and now owner of the camp, is bad. She is a lovely, kind and very sweet girl. She is just oblivious sometimes, lack in her attention to detail, and flighty. I worry about my kids under her care honestly, and don't trust her to always watch them as carefully as she should or tell the reporter how the camp really came to be. Admittedly, I am overprotective and worry unnecessarily about the kids, but for good reason. There is no one in this world I am more fiercely protective of than my kids who are disabled and my family. No one.
I sent my father an email telling him of the newest news with the camp. He said he already knew, and my parents had disagreed over whether to share the news with me. While I felt sad and hurt that I couldn't be there, I am still happy. The camp, kids and school are getting the attention they need and deserve. The camp was made for them, no one else. If anybody should have the spotlight, it's these kids.
This may sound like a trivial problem and concern, but living abroad allows me the distance and time to work on aspects of my personality that I long to change. Sort of like fine tuning a dance move. This is a part of my personality that I know could be better. Being able to let go of worldly pride and be content in the simple knowledge that I have done something. That should be enough for me, and one day will.
Love,
Rita
Seoul, South Korea
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Good Morning Class!
I'm a month and a half shy of completing my contract here in Korea, and wow it's been one hell of a year! I've made some of the hardest decisions of my adult life as of yet, dealt with events that left me heartbroken and questioning my worth, and lived to tell the tale. Time here has granted me new friends both back home and here, showed me endless possibilities for what my life could be, and allowed me to experience some of the most exhilirating moments as well. Every day is a new chance to learn, grow and change from yesterday. I've learned so much, and though I know I still have tons to learn, I wanted to share the biggest points with you guys. So, with no further ado, here they are:
1. Run run, as fast as you can! Your problems can catch; they're evil, man!
When I left the US, I'll be honest, I originially applied to run away. I needed out the US, and FAST. After a few failed attemmpts at relationships, the last one exploding in my face, I knew that I had to get away from the country, everyone that reminded me of the terrible times, and just find my own way in the world. I was depressed living at home with no job prospects, and had had enough. So I sat down and decided to take the plung. I wanted to outrun my problems. And if that meant having to run half way across the world, then so be it.
But I didn't. I couldn't. I only postponed them. Your problems never really leave, they are only pushed back until a later time. My problems came with me to Korea; sure morphed and changed into a different demon, but they followed none-the-less. I'm not sure it's ever really possible to fully run away from your problems. I don't think it's smart to either honestly. Sometimes we need that postponment though, to regain our strength, figure out what we want and how we want to deal with our problem(s). Having the distance both helps and hurts, but I believe in my case was necessary. After a while, space to breathe and regain a calm mind when looking at the situation is what's really needed more than anything. Since personally I am a very slow thinker, I need a lot of time. I think everyone needs to decide if running is more beneficial for their problem, or more harmful, and then go from there.
2. To the edge, and beyond!
Living abroad will push you to your limit, and then some. Especially if you find yourself low on friends while living abroad, even if only temporarily. At one point, everyone finds themselves alone, with no one to talk to (especially in your own language), locked in their room/apartment all weekend. The stress of living in a country, with a different culture constantly presenting hurdles to understanding/thriving, will get to you. You'll feel irritated/unhappy/lonely/sad/etc, and you won't know what will make you happy again. You may even become depressed or angier than normal. These are things everyone is forced to confront and deal with at least once when living abroad I think. And if they don't, I kind of think they should. Life is not always going to be easy, and being in a different country will push you farther than you've ever been pushed before. It's important to have some sour/difficult times mixed with the sweet/wonderful ones- that way you can grow, learn, change and appreciate everything fully.
On the opposite end, living abroad will push you outside your comfort zone in a wonderful way! You'll feel encouraged and excited to travel and explore the area you're living in both locally and internationally. Trust me, once you get your feet wet with traveling to even one country on your own and realize "Hey! I CAN do this all on my own!", you won't ever want to stop! The joy of seeing other countries, wandering the streets of someplace you've never been all on your own, and finding yourself filled with confidence that you can navigate a place where you don't know more than one word will fill you with amazement and awe in yourself. The world really isn't that scary of a place, it just looks that way because it's so hard to wrap our minds around the differences in all of the countries, languages, food, and cultures. Allow yourself to be carried away by it, don't fight it, and you'll be shocked to find that the edge really wasn't as deep as you once excpected.
3. See your safety net? No? Oh, yeah, that's because there isn't one.
Moving to a different country scared the living daylights out of me the first night alone in my new apartment honestly. I was terrified. I was alone in a country where I didn't know how to say more then hello and thank you- as a girl who has only traveled outside of the country once in high school, that was absolutely scary! You don't really get a safety net living abroad. You learn to fend for yourself. If you want to go out to eat, you have to be prepared for the fear that locals have of foreigners, not being able to understand them or they you, and acknowledging that you probably have no idea what you will be getting to eat once you actually order. You are going to screw up and get lost most likely every day in the beginning. You'll probably look like an idiot doing it too. And no, you can't ask for help because no one speaks English (or they're too afraid too). Being here has forced me to find a strength within myself that I never knew existed, showing me that I am capable of so much more then I knew possible. It's also helped me learn the hard lesson of literally just going with it! I was always the kind of girl to want/need a plan for everything. I didn't know how to live without knowing exactely where I was going and what I was doing. I've learned to let that go (a little!). Simply showing up to a country without more then the address of a hostel doesn't frighten me anymore, I find it exhilirating! If you get lost, see where the road leads and have patience. If your food looks strange, try it anyways! (it might be really good). You don't need to have a plan, just let yourself be carried away by pure chance and wander the little streets and alleys. It's the hidden joys of this world and communities we reside in that provide our happiness. After 10 months here, I'm still disccovering things in my own neighborhood. That is what makes life great, what life is all about, don't you think? Be prepared to be surprised and let life catch you for once- you don't have to catch yourself every time.
4. Me! Me! Pick me!
I've also learned something else while living here. The person who really wants to be your friend will show you through their actions, and is probably the last person you were expecting to become one. As hard as it is, you cannot always trust people who act like a friend at first. When times get hard and push comes to shove, are they going to be there for you? Will they stick with you as a friend, prove their worth to you- or disappear and not apologize for it? I have friends who disappear for a month or two at a time, but I know I can call them friend because they have proven to me that they care and want to stay connected. The distance, time difference, and long periods of lack of communication aren't allowed to change what we both know to be true- our friendship means something to both of us and is valuable. We can come back together, and pick up where we left off like no time has changed. They ask about my happiness, and do the same for them- we care and take the time to let the person know it. Sure, you might not be their best friend, or vice-versa, but that doesn't mean that you can't always invest in the growth of a new friendship. After all, all relationships start somewhere and were new once too. Though you have to be willing to accept that sometimes, despite how it may appear, the other person doesn't feel the same way. There will be times where you have to let a friendship go, even if you were hoping for different. An interesting trend I've noticed in my own personal life as well: people I didn't originally want to be friends with, or think I could be friends with, are the ones who I have ended up being closest to. The people who have continued to push to be my friend, put up with my shifting moods, changing ideas, crazy schemes, and times of personal disappearance are the ones who have proved most loyal, caring and real.
5. It is just another country.
Don't be surprised when you wake up and realize that the foreign country you're living in isn't perfect. In fact, I hope you realize this! The sooner the better! You can see it for what it is- just a country. It's like seeing people as amazing or perfect- by putting them, or in this case a country, on a pedastole, you're setting yourself and them up to fail you. Just don't do it, okay?
6. It's gotta be the good life.
Living abroad is awesome! I get to travel on the weekends, sometimes out of the country, have six weeks of vacation, meet people from all over the world, and see things I never would have otherwise. It's freakin' awesome! I have learned so much that it's ridiculous, and inspite of the sturggles I've faced, I wouldn't give any of it up for the world. Sometimes, it sucks, yeah. But there will be days where you can't help be get that little voice in your head that says: "Dude! Look at me! I'm freakin' living in Korea! I ROCK!!!" And you know what- it's okay to think that, because it is awesome. You've joined the ranks of a very selective group of people in this world, a private community who will always understand when you have a tough weekend because you missed your best friends birthday/wedding. Or they'll get it and sympathize with you when you vent and cry over the stress of missing your family. They'll be right there with you when you're craving a simple salad, or long to simply see a beach and blue sky. It's a whole world unto it's own, and I sincerely hope that all of my friends can join me someday- you will never be the same again!
Love, Hope, and Dreams
Rita
1. Run run, as fast as you can! Your problems can catch; they're evil, man!
When I left the US, I'll be honest, I originially applied to run away. I needed out the US, and FAST. After a few failed attemmpts at relationships, the last one exploding in my face, I knew that I had to get away from the country, everyone that reminded me of the terrible times, and just find my own way in the world. I was depressed living at home with no job prospects, and had had enough. So I sat down and decided to take the plung. I wanted to outrun my problems. And if that meant having to run half way across the world, then so be it.
But I didn't. I couldn't. I only postponed them. Your problems never really leave, they are only pushed back until a later time. My problems came with me to Korea; sure morphed and changed into a different demon, but they followed none-the-less. I'm not sure it's ever really possible to fully run away from your problems. I don't think it's smart to either honestly. Sometimes we need that postponment though, to regain our strength, figure out what we want and how we want to deal with our problem(s). Having the distance both helps and hurts, but I believe in my case was necessary. After a while, space to breathe and regain a calm mind when looking at the situation is what's really needed more than anything. Since personally I am a very slow thinker, I need a lot of time. I think everyone needs to decide if running is more beneficial for their problem, or more harmful, and then go from there.
2. To the edge, and beyond!
Living abroad will push you to your limit, and then some. Especially if you find yourself low on friends while living abroad, even if only temporarily. At one point, everyone finds themselves alone, with no one to talk to (especially in your own language), locked in their room/apartment all weekend. The stress of living in a country, with a different culture constantly presenting hurdles to understanding/thriving, will get to you. You'll feel irritated/unhappy/lonely/sad/etc, and you won't know what will make you happy again. You may even become depressed or angier than normal. These are things everyone is forced to confront and deal with at least once when living abroad I think. And if they don't, I kind of think they should. Life is not always going to be easy, and being in a different country will push you farther than you've ever been pushed before. It's important to have some sour/difficult times mixed with the sweet/wonderful ones- that way you can grow, learn, change and appreciate everything fully.
On the opposite end, living abroad will push you outside your comfort zone in a wonderful way! You'll feel encouraged and excited to travel and explore the area you're living in both locally and internationally. Trust me, once you get your feet wet with traveling to even one country on your own and realize "Hey! I CAN do this all on my own!", you won't ever want to stop! The joy of seeing other countries, wandering the streets of someplace you've never been all on your own, and finding yourself filled with confidence that you can navigate a place where you don't know more than one word will fill you with amazement and awe in yourself. The world really isn't that scary of a place, it just looks that way because it's so hard to wrap our minds around the differences in all of the countries, languages, food, and cultures. Allow yourself to be carried away by it, don't fight it, and you'll be shocked to find that the edge really wasn't as deep as you once excpected.
3. See your safety net? No? Oh, yeah, that's because there isn't one.
Moving to a different country scared the living daylights out of me the first night alone in my new apartment honestly. I was terrified. I was alone in a country where I didn't know how to say more then hello and thank you- as a girl who has only traveled outside of the country once in high school, that was absolutely scary! You don't really get a safety net living abroad. You learn to fend for yourself. If you want to go out to eat, you have to be prepared for the fear that locals have of foreigners, not being able to understand them or they you, and acknowledging that you probably have no idea what you will be getting to eat once you actually order. You are going to screw up and get lost most likely every day in the beginning. You'll probably look like an idiot doing it too. And no, you can't ask for help because no one speaks English (or they're too afraid too). Being here has forced me to find a strength within myself that I never knew existed, showing me that I am capable of so much more then I knew possible. It's also helped me learn the hard lesson of literally just going with it! I was always the kind of girl to want/need a plan for everything. I didn't know how to live without knowing exactely where I was going and what I was doing. I've learned to let that go (a little!). Simply showing up to a country without more then the address of a hostel doesn't frighten me anymore, I find it exhilirating! If you get lost, see where the road leads and have patience. If your food looks strange, try it anyways! (it might be really good). You don't need to have a plan, just let yourself be carried away by pure chance and wander the little streets and alleys. It's the hidden joys of this world and communities we reside in that provide our happiness. After 10 months here, I'm still disccovering things in my own neighborhood. That is what makes life great, what life is all about, don't you think? Be prepared to be surprised and let life catch you for once- you don't have to catch yourself every time.
4. Me! Me! Pick me!
I've also learned something else while living here. The person who really wants to be your friend will show you through their actions, and is probably the last person you were expecting to become one. As hard as it is, you cannot always trust people who act like a friend at first. When times get hard and push comes to shove, are they going to be there for you? Will they stick with you as a friend, prove their worth to you- or disappear and not apologize for it? I have friends who disappear for a month or two at a time, but I know I can call them friend because they have proven to me that they care and want to stay connected. The distance, time difference, and long periods of lack of communication aren't allowed to change what we both know to be true- our friendship means something to both of us and is valuable. We can come back together, and pick up where we left off like no time has changed. They ask about my happiness, and do the same for them- we care and take the time to let the person know it. Sure, you might not be their best friend, or vice-versa, but that doesn't mean that you can't always invest in the growth of a new friendship. After all, all relationships start somewhere and were new once too. Though you have to be willing to accept that sometimes, despite how it may appear, the other person doesn't feel the same way. There will be times where you have to let a friendship go, even if you were hoping for different. An interesting trend I've noticed in my own personal life as well: people I didn't originally want to be friends with, or think I could be friends with, are the ones who I have ended up being closest to. The people who have continued to push to be my friend, put up with my shifting moods, changing ideas, crazy schemes, and times of personal disappearance are the ones who have proved most loyal, caring and real.
5. It is just another country.
Don't be surprised when you wake up and realize that the foreign country you're living in isn't perfect. In fact, I hope you realize this! The sooner the better! You can see it for what it is- just a country. It's like seeing people as amazing or perfect- by putting them, or in this case a country, on a pedastole, you're setting yourself and them up to fail you. Just don't do it, okay?
6. It's gotta be the good life.
Living abroad is awesome! I get to travel on the weekends, sometimes out of the country, have six weeks of vacation, meet people from all over the world, and see things I never would have otherwise. It's freakin' awesome! I have learned so much that it's ridiculous, and inspite of the sturggles I've faced, I wouldn't give any of it up for the world. Sometimes, it sucks, yeah. But there will be days where you can't help be get that little voice in your head that says: "Dude! Look at me! I'm freakin' living in Korea! I ROCK!!!" And you know what- it's okay to think that, because it is awesome. You've joined the ranks of a very selective group of people in this world, a private community who will always understand when you have a tough weekend because you missed your best friends birthday/wedding. Or they'll get it and sympathize with you when you vent and cry over the stress of missing your family. They'll be right there with you when you're craving a simple salad, or long to simply see a beach and blue sky. It's a whole world unto it's own, and I sincerely hope that all of my friends can join me someday- you will never be the same again!
Love, Hope, and Dreams
Rita
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