First week of camp down, half way through the second, and 6 more to go. Overall things have gone really well I guess. Not too much to complain about.
VBLX was . . . complicated. Some moments were great, things flowed really well and I was so happy. Some moments were horrible, full of anger and tears. *sigh* Not my idea of the perfect trip. I got to spend time with people I hadn't seen for a long time, but not enough to feel satisfied. Talked with one or two people who I needed to talk to, but man- were those conversations hard. Bother. I think I'm off to bed early. Not feeling 100% emotionally lately- I don't know if it's the physical drain from camp or the sadness & fear I'm beginning to feel at being so far from all my friends, but I feel sad. Oh well. Sorry for not going into a lot of detail, just not feeling up to it really.
Night friends, until next time.
Rita
Seoul, South Korea
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Is it possible to learn too much?
Over the past year since I've graduated, not much has happened in my life- yet I've learned more about myself then ever before I think. I honestly don't know how I feel about this. Movies and books all say that self knowledge is highly valued and a wonderful thing. But I can't help and wonder if the people who say this is a wonderful thing have actually ever gone through the process. It's a nitty-gritty, tough, painful experience, learning about who you are, what you do, and the way you work.
I recently realized that I am a tortoise when it comes to making decisions. Nay, a snail! Not with all decisions, but with big ones, I mull it over for, well, forever. Once I do make a decision, I follow it like a speeding bullet! I wish I could find a nice balance, make decisions at a more balanced pace and keep my mind open once I do so that I don't get tunnel vision. For instance, it's taken me a year to decide that I want to go to graduate school, and I still don't know what in.
I've learned that I need my friends to help me keep my thoughts straight. If I don't talk out things on my mind, they get tied up like strings into a knot.
I've learned that when I'm with someone, I need them to be consistent. I need to know that they'll be there, especially when I need them. I have to know that they won't leave- I have this fear that they will just walk out. Whether it's because of my own unrealistic fear or because of my history, I feel convinced that every guy will just leave until they prove me wrong. It's kinda horrible, but I can't help it.
I've learned that I do have a limit when it comes to people hurting me. See, I had been seeing this guy in VA, a navy guy, and we had really hit it off. I mean, we liked each other, a lot, and fast. Well, we had a fight, he got deployed, and things went downhill fast. During his time away, our relationship slowly faded into one of anger, misunderstanding, and hurting. Friends who I had been talking to about the situation and knew how much the conversations I was having with him hurt me, all said stop talking with him. All said cut him out of my life. I don't just cut people out of my life though, that's not how I work. He said something about a week ago that hurt me, a lot. So I finally cut him out last week. It actually felt good, removing a person from my life who had been so negative. But he still managed to come strolling back in the other night . I don't know how I feel about this. :/
I wish I wasn't so afraid to be a bother to my friends. I wish I was closer to my friends. I wish I wasn't so anti-social so often, and that I was able to just hang out with people. It's just hard for me I guess, I never was capable of being as social as other, like Eric. I'm drawn to people like him because they bring out that part of me, which I love. Oh well. No point in complaining about things when that won't get you anywhere right?
I'm going up to Virginia Beach this week for VBLX. Sounds like fun right? Nooooot so much actually. The guy who I was just talking about, ^ there, he lives in V.B. and will be attending some of the dances. He also wants me to stay with him. (That's so not happening btw) One of my friends who lives in V.B. told me that he's been chasing after a new girl; and wouldn't you know it, I was assigned to her for housing. I did this as a precaution, but boy does it feel awkward now. I'm staying with a friend I trust, mostly, so at least I can avoid that part. But to top it off, I have a friend in dc who wants me to skip entirely and visit them, knowing I'm feeling very anxious about this upcoming trip. Can you say stressed? Ugh.
In S.K. related news! As part of my final application, I was required to order a copy of my diploma and an FBI background check both with an official apostille seal. I mailed out the requests for both almost 4 weeks ago, and hadn't heard anything from either. Well, I wasn't surprised about the FBI one, since that can take up to 8 weeks. The diploma shouldn't be taking so long though, so I finally called them today to find out what the hold up was all about. Apparently there was a hold on my account originally, it had been lifted, but the registrar's office hadn't been notified. So my request had just been sitting there until I called them. Lovely! The girl I talked to asked if I wanted it rush delivered, and since I expected to have to wait another week or two for my FBI background check, I said no. She said it would arrive within a week, guaranteed. The day goes on like usual, my brother brings in the mail, and what's in the mail but . . . *drum roll please!* . . . my FBI background check. >.< Son-of-a. . .! Well, I have to get the apostille seal anyways, and that'll take about a week too, so I guess it works out alright. But still, seriously? xD
My camp starts next week. I have 21 kids signed up, and I'm really excited! Nervous, but excited. It'll help me figure out if pursuing a master's degree in special ed is what I want, since I've been considering doing so once I return from Korea. It's either special ed or english ed.
I guess after a few weeks, I'll know for sure about special ed.
I'm off, time to cuddle with the kitty.
Love to all,
Rita
I recently realized that I am a tortoise when it comes to making decisions. Nay, a snail! Not with all decisions, but with big ones, I mull it over for, well, forever. Once I do make a decision, I follow it like a speeding bullet! I wish I could find a nice balance, make decisions at a more balanced pace and keep my mind open once I do so that I don't get tunnel vision. For instance, it's taken me a year to decide that I want to go to graduate school, and I still don't know what in.
I've learned that I need my friends to help me keep my thoughts straight. If I don't talk out things on my mind, they get tied up like strings into a knot.
I've learned that when I'm with someone, I need them to be consistent. I need to know that they'll be there, especially when I need them. I have to know that they won't leave- I have this fear that they will just walk out. Whether it's because of my own unrealistic fear or because of my history, I feel convinced that every guy will just leave until they prove me wrong. It's kinda horrible, but I can't help it.
I've learned that I do have a limit when it comes to people hurting me. See, I had been seeing this guy in VA, a navy guy, and we had really hit it off. I mean, we liked each other, a lot, and fast. Well, we had a fight, he got deployed, and things went downhill fast. During his time away, our relationship slowly faded into one of anger, misunderstanding, and hurting. Friends who I had been talking to about the situation and knew how much the conversations I was having with him hurt me, all said stop talking with him. All said cut him out of my life. I don't just cut people out of my life though, that's not how I work. He said something about a week ago that hurt me, a lot. So I finally cut him out last week. It actually felt good, removing a person from my life who had been so negative. But he still managed to come strolling back in the other night . I don't know how I feel about this. :/
I wish I wasn't so afraid to be a bother to my friends. I wish I was closer to my friends. I wish I wasn't so anti-social so often, and that I was able to just hang out with people. It's just hard for me I guess, I never was capable of being as social as other, like Eric. I'm drawn to people like him because they bring out that part of me, which I love. Oh well. No point in complaining about things when that won't get you anywhere right?
I'm going up to Virginia Beach this week for VBLX. Sounds like fun right? Nooooot so much actually. The guy who I was just talking about, ^ there, he lives in V.B. and will be attending some of the dances. He also wants me to stay with him. (That's so not happening btw) One of my friends who lives in V.B. told me that he's been chasing after a new girl; and wouldn't you know it, I was assigned to her for housing. I did this as a precaution, but boy does it feel awkward now. I'm staying with a friend I trust, mostly, so at least I can avoid that part. But to top it off, I have a friend in dc who wants me to skip entirely and visit them, knowing I'm feeling very anxious about this upcoming trip. Can you say stressed? Ugh.
In S.K. related news! As part of my final application, I was required to order a copy of my diploma and an FBI background check both with an official apostille seal. I mailed out the requests for both almost 4 weeks ago, and hadn't heard anything from either. Well, I wasn't surprised about the FBI one, since that can take up to 8 weeks. The diploma shouldn't be taking so long though, so I finally called them today to find out what the hold up was all about. Apparently there was a hold on my account originally, it had been lifted, but the registrar's office hadn't been notified. So my request had just been sitting there until I called them. Lovely! The girl I talked to asked if I wanted it rush delivered, and since I expected to have to wait another week or two for my FBI background check, I said no. She said it would arrive within a week, guaranteed. The day goes on like usual, my brother brings in the mail, and what's in the mail but . . . *drum roll please!* . . . my FBI background check. >.< Son-of-a. . .! Well, I have to get the apostille seal anyways, and that'll take about a week too, so I guess it works out alright. But still, seriously? xD
My camp starts next week. I have 21 kids signed up, and I'm really excited! Nervous, but excited. It'll help me figure out if pursuing a master's degree in special ed is what I want, since I've been considering doing so once I return from Korea. It's either special ed or english ed.
I guess after a few weeks, I'll know for sure about special ed.
I'm off, time to cuddle with the kitty.
Love to all,
Rita
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)