I have a confession to make. Are you ready for it? I'm pretty sure it will surprise you.
...
I'm tired. Tired of traveling. Tired of living in other countries.
Bet that was not what you thought you'd hear was it?
Don't get me wrong, I love to travel in general, visit other countries, meet new people, try unique food, and visit famous sights.
Here's the thing though. I've been on the road for about six weeks now. After being in China where people are consistently and regularly rude (by my definition), and then around young people in Hong Kong who make large assumptions about massive countries, or have never learned the art form of holding a conversation, it leaves one feeling world weary.
The week I have remaining ahead of me before my time in the states cannot go fast enough to be honest. I'm itching to be in a space that is safe, comfortable, welcoming, and quiet. One where I am not an outsider for simply being a white female with blue eyes. A place where I don't have to struggle to buy fruit or vegetables, and I'm accepted for being American, instead of judged for it. A city where I know how to get from A to B, won't have fight and struggle with a bus jammed packed with people, and watch anxiously to make sure I don't miss my stop, for fear of getting lost in a city I don't know. A state that has ready access to food I know and love, where I am not charged an arm and a leg in order to buy simple things like butter, and buying poor quality cheese isn't a luxury. A nation where no one yells "hello" in my face, people do not spit on the ground, push me where ever I go, stare openly as I walk past, make assumptions about me because of my nationality, and welcome me as an equal instead of continuously regarding me as an outsider.*
I am tired of fighting.
I am tired of the struggle to live a regular life.
I am tired of traveling.
Although I am only 27, I feel old.
A young woman I meet last night scoffed at me when I said that I am thinking of returning to the States. You don't understand, you don't see. The fights and hardships I have been through in the past year or two were some of the most challenging I have ever experienced, and despite the fact that I made it through them, it does not mean that I am left as young, happy, naive, and energetic as I once was, or as you are now. While my recent life has not been terrible, it has not been super easy either.
And all I want is peace.
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Take me home. Provide me with quiet. Give me family and friends that love me, protect me, treat me with respect, and not only listen to what I say, but aren't offended when I speak my mind.
During the past 3 and half years abroad, I have come to understand the key to happiness for me will never stay the same. For a long time in Korea, I thought I had discovered the key-travel. When I moved to China, I began to miss my friends and family from Seoul desperately. Slowly, the world I had come to accept shifted, until I began to see that what made me happy was no longer travel, but friends.
With this shift, I have started to understand that what will make me happy will probably never stay the same for my entire life. Happiness is an ever shifting ground below us, one constantly moving and rearranging itself in order to adjust to who we are at that time in our lives, and the things that we need, whether we can see it for ourselves or not.
For me, it is the patiently anxious arms of my Mom and Dad waiting for me on the other side of the gates in Orlando, Florida next Tuesday.
Love,
Me
*Disclaimer- Please understand, that my entire 3 1/2 years overseas have NOT all been like this. I stand by my opinion that Korea is an amazing country, and I love it as much, if not more than, my own honestly. I was always an outsider though.
China, on the other hand, presents a myriad of problems that are hard for me to grapple with. Students are amazing, and often the saving grace in a country full of difficulties. Almost all of the issues I listed above are in reference to that country. It is not all bad, but it is a hard nation to swallow, and often defined by a love/hate relationship for me.
