Crossroads

Days flow into nights, week days flow into weekends, and suddenly I find myself sitting at my computer and realizing that I have completed my first semester of graduate school.  Not only this, but I have been single for about five months now.  Sometimes I find it hard to grasp the way in which the past few months have flown by, like fall leaves on a brisk winter day.  I blinked and they were gone from my sight.  The first two didn't go without a struggle of course, but with each passing week, they seem to go by faster.
In the down time between my semesters at graduate school, I find myself contemplating life, as I'm apt to.  I feel like I was born with a thinking cap on my head.  No matter the time of day, or what I am doing, my brain never turns off or stops working.  In messaging someone I know through swing dancing, I was able to contact a peace corps member who applied for the Peace Corps while living overseas.  For those of you who don't know, I have wanted to apply to the peace corps for at least three years now.  It has been put off for various reasons, ranging from a significant other, to fear of committing for 2+ years to a country, or having life things get in the way.  The kind stranger informed me that I could indeed apply to the peace corps while living abroad, it would just take longer.  Approximately a year and a half's time, as compared to the six months to one year they describe on the website.  I plan on being finished in S.K. in about a year and a half's time. 
All the sudden, I find myself walking home from a long day at work, with a major decision I wasn't expecting to face for at least another year, sitting in front of me. 
I don't know about you, but when things are weighing on my mind as heavily as this is, I find it very difficult to function.  Walking in the door, though I was in my apartment, I felt lost and unsure.  My mind swallowed me up and wouldn't let me leave for about half an hour as it took this piece of information and tried to understand what to do with it- like an infant with a new toy.  As girls are want to do, I messaged two close friends to talk it out with them.  As the Christian that I am, I also messaged a friend to pray with me while I laid my worries before Him as well.
See, in the core of my heart, I know where I am meant to go.  Fear is holding me back from wanting to take the plunge yet.  Though not for the reasons you might be thinking.
Last time I tried to follow what it was God wanted from me, what I thought he was calling me to, which was teaching in China.  I still believe with all my heart that he wanted me to go there.  For whatever reason, He changed His mind and said no.  In a very resounding and loud way.  (See this blog entry if you want the full story: Embrace the Change Blog Entry)
I'm afraid that if follow this path, I will be rejected again, with something as equally painful and terrifying.  Though I know that this is rather silly sounding, especially from someone as logical as me, I can't help it.  There were times during the first few months where I would have full on flash backs to that health scare, and even now I am still learning about how AGEP has affected my skin.  I watch it like a hawk, and am aware of everything that happens to it.  It wasn't a one time health blip- it was a life changer.
What if this isn't the right direction, as much as I want it to be?  What if God doesn't want me there?  What if I screw up or fail the community I am placed with to help?  What if I let people down?  I want so desperately to get lost in the world, to truly help others and do more than just sit back and relax.  I want to get my hands dirty, learn another language, spend time getting to know people in a small town or village, help inspire change in kids lives, know that I have made a difference for someone, somewhere.  I want to be the pebble that starts the ripple effects, and step away watching them blossom on their own.  Or at least be a part of it all.

crossroads

Noun

1. An intersection of two or more roads.
2. A point at which a crucial decision must be made that will have far-reaching consequences.

So where do I go from here?  Do I try and go to China again, where I know I have a standing offer to work at a university?  Do I continue with my backpacking plans?  Or do I apply to the peace corps?  This is the dilemma I face right now.  I have decided I will make my decision by the first of September- thus begins the 2 1/2 month count down.
The Thinker,
Rita