Life in the Slow Lane

Now located in Ellicot City, on the edge of a giant state park, I am surrounded by my new coworkers for the next year in China.  Sitting on the couch in the living room of the house we are doing training at for the next week, I find myself pondering many things.  Life, travel, work, friendship, and oddly enough, forgiveness.

Only about three weeks ago I left Seoul, South Korea.  My home of three years faded away behind me as the plane took off, and oddly enough, no tears slipped down my check.  I was leaving behind my best friends, along with students who I had grown to love and care for deeply, but I knew that it was right (the right time, the right circumstances, and the right choice for me).  Upon landing in Orlando, Florida, one of my best friends from college, Kendall, drove me to my home in tiny, quiet Chuluota.  I surprised my Mom and Dad (see the videos on my fb page), which has thus far been a highlight of my year.  Quickly the beauty and excitement fizzled out, and I found myself feeling disconnected.  After being around friends who I had been longing to visit with, I was unsure of how I felt, unsure of the friendship, hesitant over what topics to discuss, and experienced confusing emotions while driving away from visiting with them.  Part of the reason is because I think too much sometimes (okay, often).  It is a bad habit within me to over-analyze...well...everything.  The other, though, was a genuine disconnect. 

About one week into my visit at home, I broke down crying to my Mom, then later that night to my Dad.  Some of my friends were...difficult to nail down and spend time with, which truthfully, hurt.  I was home for only a short time, and I couldn't understand why they couldn't/wouldn't make more time.  It was a very humbling moment when I had to admit to myself that a.) I am not as important as I think I am. b) Things change.

Admitting that people could not and would not always make time for me was a hard and real life lesson placed before me.  Though I know this sounds very selfish, I don't mean it to be.  I mean this sentiment in the light of-I am here for a short time, I love you and miss you, let's spend as much time together as we can.  And this is just not a realistic possibility sometimes.

Things change.  That is something we all know (the concept that life changes) but truly knowing knowing that things change is much harder to grasp.  I was away for three years.  Now on one hand, I know that this is a very long time to be away.  On the other, it honestly did not feel like that long.  For certain parts, the months and weeks slipped by in a fashion I had forgotten was possible since high school.  The reason I state this is that, when I came home, I thought all of my friendships would be the same.  Foolishly, I assumed I could pick things up where they left off like a dusty book on a shelf.  While with old friendships I would argue that many people often can and do do just this, with younger ones, you can't.  Life moves forward, whether we want it to or not, and that exactly is what I experienced.  It was saddening to learn, but a wise experience to go through too. 

Another thing I learned while home was that not everyone you want or used to be friends with, can and should be people that you hold close to your heart as much as you might like.  It hurt a lot when I attempted to confide in a friend, and he chastised me by saying that I had two or three friends by choice, I should fake happiness and go back inside to the event we were at, and a few other things I do not care to reminisce over.  Now, he did not say these things out of spite, or to hurt me.  In fact, he was trying to help.  He simply didn't get it.  This person was an extrovert, and I am not.  Driving away that night, cursing up a storm at the people who I called friends that did not understand me, or even try to I felt, I realized that just because you want to be friends with someone, doesn't mean that you can.

After my time in Florida ended, I flew up to Washington DC.  I was to meet a friend I had only ever hung out with for three days at a dance, but had spoken with on/off for about three years while living in Korea.  We had a friendship, but it wasn't exactly best friend strong.  Not to hide the truth, I was nervous about what it would be like to spend three days hanging out with this friend again.  Low and behold, it was great.  Better than great.  We hit it off right away, better than last time, were talking non-stop until the minute I had to run for my train, and shared so many smiles and laughter, my heart was bursting by the time I left.  While some of my friends in Florida were amazing, and rejuvenated my soul and heart, sadly others detracted from it, and it ended up leaving me stressed and sad quite often.  This friend, on the other hand, did not.  Even on the day that I spent by myself and he had to work, I walked around all day with a smile on my face, and we would chit chat via text.  Riding the train out to Maryland for training, I found myself fighting back tears.  Not a single tear was shed upon leaving Korea, or leaving Florida. More than I care to admit were shed with DC.

Being able to travel, live, breathe, and not feel weighed down by guilt from people saying "Why are you still overseas?", gave me so much freedom and joy.  I came alive again.  It even got me thinking about moving to DC after my time in China, which has shocked my close friends in Korea and Thailand.  If life in DC could be similar to that, even for a fraction, there is a real chance I could be happy in America.  For a long, long time, especially after this tenuous trip with Florida, I had seriously doubted and questioned that as a possibility.

The other idea that has been floating around in my head is one of forgiveness.  When does one forgive, let go, move on, and honestly say "I know that you hurt me, but it's okay.  I don't hold any more anger towards you, and I accept your apology"?  That is something that has been sitting in the back of my head lately.  Though I have not discussed things publicly with many people, someone back in December of last year revealed a truth to me that hurt me very very deeply.  Realizing that it is August now, please understand, this truth was one that shook me to the core, and has required me a long period of time to not only digest, but also forgive myself for in my role of things.  Trying to forgive the person, and move on with my life, has been a slow process.  It takes me time to do these various things, and the bigger it is, the longer it is.  I think/hope, finally, I am moving past it.  I mention this because I can feel the desire to say "I forgive you" present, followed closely by the desire to never communicate with them again, moving on with my own life and not being bogged down by the past.  In my mind at least, desire is an important aspect of the process. 

At 10:18pm on a Friday night, I sit here next to my new coworkers.  Suzanna, the only other girl, loves almost all of the same things as me: Dr. Who, Stargate, LOtR, reading, Stitch, Marvel.  Luke and Danny I have only just begun to know, but are very friendly, welcoming, and seem like great guys.  In fact, we are all sitting in the living room, not talking, silently working on our computers, as happy as could be.  A group of four introverts- oh boy!  While watching the video introducing Suzanna and I to what will be our town, Qinhuangdao, I felt that stir of excitement swell within me.  Knowing that soon I will have to fend for myself didn't scare me, but instead it filled me with a thrill, curiosity, and an odd sort of comfort in knowing my life will be filled with the unknown again soon.  Getting to teach again (really teach too!), knowing I would have to find ways to buy fruit and veggies from farmers stalls, relearn how to see the world with Mandarin instead of Hangul, and push myself to not only survive, but thrive in a new environment, sums up some of the aspects, from small and silly to large and life altering, that I love about living overseas.  Nothing forces you to grow, change, or allows you to see how far you are really capable of going until you live abroad.  Going into year four overseas, year one in China, and I could not be more excited! 
August 21st I fly out.  Here we go!

Always,
Rita

 

 

To  all my friends who helped make this trip special, my friends who understand my roaming heart and traveling feet, who love me and have accepted me over the years, thank you.  From the bottom of my heart.  You have, do and will always, mean more to me than you will ever know.