Dear Cambodia,
I can't believe my time is coming to an end. Once I leave, I don't know how long it will be before I am able to come back. What am I going to do with you so far away again? You make my heart sing with happiness, the stress that far too often weighs upon my shoulders seemingly effortlessly disappear, and my usually relentless brain quiet down. You rejuvenate my soul, inspire the artist in me, and never ask for anything in return beyond the minimum help others can give to get back on your two feet.
Throughout my trip, I saw many of the same sights I did last time, and yet, with fresh eyes, they were new all over again too. Details appeared that I had missed before, food I had never tried were experienced for the first time, and of the things I wish I had done before, I finally did.
How do you say goodbye to a country you have come to love so much, you convince everyone you can to visit? How do you board a plane to leave a place you wish you could wrap up and carry away with you, just to keep it near? How do you let go of a place that makes you happy, truly and unequivocally, happy?
I don't have the answer to these questions, and I know nobody in your beautifully war town lands does either. Maybe to you, I am simply another white tourist, another American- but to me, you are the memories that buoy my sad heart when trapped in a city for too long. You are the food I love, the rare country of people who always have a smile ready 24/7, the perfect weather, amazing ancient architecture, and the only nation I have not lived in yet love as my own two (Korea and America). The day I can come back will not be soon enough, and next time, I will explore even more. This I promise you.
Always,
Rita
Seoul, South Korea
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Sunday, January 11, 2015
One love gained is another lost
It has been four days since I set foot in Cambodia again. Third visit to this country, and my return has been a bag of mixed feelings I'm not 100% sure I could ever explain to someone else. My coworkers decided that they wanted to travel with me, which I was hesitant but okay about. History has not been on my side when it comes to me traveling with others, and though I have always longed for it, I usually end up getting into arguments, or just bored, with the person I travel with. Thus far, I have not argued, but tonight I began to feel the strain of being with other people.
They were deciding if they wanted ice cream, then what type they wanted. No big deal, and they took a reasonable amount of time to decide really- about 2-3 minutes. Yet I could feel my irritation level rising, my frustration at having to wait as they decided over every little option growing, and my need for some alone time pressing in. I parted ways shortly after, going to the gelato store on my own for a few minutes of quiet thinking time. It's been a long day, and I needed space.
I love Cambodia, desperately, and wish more than most know that I could live here for a long time and help this country continue to climb back on it's feet after decades worth of destruction and damage. My desire to return used to be so strong, that I would be walking in Seoul and have vivid flashbacks to my first trip- something would set off a memory that sent me sky rocketing back, leaving me seeing not a city-scape before me, but a country side with a wood fire burning, little kids playing, a field of dull golden yellow grass and random palm trees swaying in the breeze. I had fallen in love.
Yet now that I am back, I have found it changed.
There are more tourists- lots more. Especially Chinese, Korean, and Japanese. It is the Chinese that I dislike the most, cluttering up the pathways with their large groups, disturbing the peace with their spitting, and virtually threatening the existence of the ancient temples here by touching them. The once quiet temples are busier, the formerly peaceful floating villages now littered with a constant stream of boats showing tourists around, and the quaint little restaurants by the river replaced by large and standardized restaurants from America and Korea.
While I am happy that Cambodia is growing and being paid attention to by people who seek to improve the living conditions of the local people through worthwhile programs- I miss the Cambodia I feel in love with. The quiet one, hidden away, secret, that no one wanted to visit, or even knew about. Then again, that was why I went in the first place. When everyone I knew was flying away to Thailand for winter break my first year in Korea, I purposefully choose Cambodia /BECAUSE/ no one was going there. It's discovery was bound to happen eventually, and truthfully it was on that road already when I came. I guess I just didn't realize how much things could change in three years, and it's been hard for me to adjust.
During my slow walk back to my hostel, I allowed myself to take in the city of Siem Reap. The neon lights on the pedestrian bridge reflect in the small river below, and tuk tuk drivers honk lightly as they drive around the round-about. Looking at the road in a state of slight disrepair, the dog limping by with a severely injured paw almost making me cry, and the child playing nearby who calls out "goodbye" to me, I realize that I still love Cambodia, and I don't love China.
It didn't hit me like a brick wall, or rock my world, as you might think.
The realization came to me quietly, the way a sunflower unfolds quietly when the sun first touches it with it's early morning rays, the truth hidden like a grain of sand within. The fact is, the way I feel had been there all along, and I didn't know it till now. Or maybe I couldn't admit it till now.
Cambodia is broken. It is corrupt, uses people, hurts each other, and wears the scars and injuries of it's past plainly for any tourist who isn't too too drunk or oblivious to see it. If you know where to look, no number of fancy stores/restaurants hides the reality here.
Yet they try. In any way they know how, they try. Cambodians are doing everything they can to make the world they have available to them better, or to survive in it at least. Maybe the people don't have much, and the government doesn't work like it's supposed to, and they are poor- but every year the people work a little more towards what they hope will be a better Cambodia. You can see it in their eyes. You can see it in their smiles- the ones that appear on their face, almost breaking it wide open with joy, love, and kindness, making you want to smile back, and spreading out rays of hope to those who look at them.
China, I feel, does not try. The people know that their government is broken, yet claim every day that they can do nothing to fix it. Students complain about the bribery, back door dealings, and the completely unbalanced education system that places all it's emphasis on the college entrance exam and then finals in college. Yet they will turn around and engage in these same activities, feeding the system should they need to as well. So many students sit back and simple shrug their shoulders, feigning helplessness. The former beauty, glory, and history of China is diminishing each year, as the country paves its way forward by demolishing everything in sight in order to /LOOK/ like they are progressing. Always, the most important thing, is saving face, no matter the cost.
It is this that I cannot stand.
It is this understanding that has helped me to realize, I love Cambodia, and do not love China.
With a heavy heart, reflective mind, and hopeful heart that tomorrow will be better,
Rita
They were deciding if they wanted ice cream, then what type they wanted. No big deal, and they took a reasonable amount of time to decide really- about 2-3 minutes. Yet I could feel my irritation level rising, my frustration at having to wait as they decided over every little option growing, and my need for some alone time pressing in. I parted ways shortly after, going to the gelato store on my own for a few minutes of quiet thinking time. It's been a long day, and I needed space.
I love Cambodia, desperately, and wish more than most know that I could live here for a long time and help this country continue to climb back on it's feet after decades worth of destruction and damage. My desire to return used to be so strong, that I would be walking in Seoul and have vivid flashbacks to my first trip- something would set off a memory that sent me sky rocketing back, leaving me seeing not a city-scape before me, but a country side with a wood fire burning, little kids playing, a field of dull golden yellow grass and random palm trees swaying in the breeze. I had fallen in love.
Yet now that I am back, I have found it changed.
There are more tourists- lots more. Especially Chinese, Korean, and Japanese. It is the Chinese that I dislike the most, cluttering up the pathways with their large groups, disturbing the peace with their spitting, and virtually threatening the existence of the ancient temples here by touching them. The once quiet temples are busier, the formerly peaceful floating villages now littered with a constant stream of boats showing tourists around, and the quaint little restaurants by the river replaced by large and standardized restaurants from America and Korea.
While I am happy that Cambodia is growing and being paid attention to by people who seek to improve the living conditions of the local people through worthwhile programs- I miss the Cambodia I feel in love with. The quiet one, hidden away, secret, that no one wanted to visit, or even knew about. Then again, that was why I went in the first place. When everyone I knew was flying away to Thailand for winter break my first year in Korea, I purposefully choose Cambodia /BECAUSE/ no one was going there. It's discovery was bound to happen eventually, and truthfully it was on that road already when I came. I guess I just didn't realize how much things could change in three years, and it's been hard for me to adjust.
During my slow walk back to my hostel, I allowed myself to take in the city of Siem Reap. The neon lights on the pedestrian bridge reflect in the small river below, and tuk tuk drivers honk lightly as they drive around the round-about. Looking at the road in a state of slight disrepair, the dog limping by with a severely injured paw almost making me cry, and the child playing nearby who calls out "goodbye" to me, I realize that I still love Cambodia, and I don't love China.
It didn't hit me like a brick wall, or rock my world, as you might think.
The realization came to me quietly, the way a sunflower unfolds quietly when the sun first touches it with it's early morning rays, the truth hidden like a grain of sand within. The fact is, the way I feel had been there all along, and I didn't know it till now. Or maybe I couldn't admit it till now.
Cambodia is broken. It is corrupt, uses people, hurts each other, and wears the scars and injuries of it's past plainly for any tourist who isn't too too drunk or oblivious to see it. If you know where to look, no number of fancy stores/restaurants hides the reality here.
Yet they try. In any way they know how, they try. Cambodians are doing everything they can to make the world they have available to them better, or to survive in it at least. Maybe the people don't have much, and the government doesn't work like it's supposed to, and they are poor- but every year the people work a little more towards what they hope will be a better Cambodia. You can see it in their eyes. You can see it in their smiles- the ones that appear on their face, almost breaking it wide open with joy, love, and kindness, making you want to smile back, and spreading out rays of hope to those who look at them.
China, I feel, does not try. The people know that their government is broken, yet claim every day that they can do nothing to fix it. Students complain about the bribery, back door dealings, and the completely unbalanced education system that places all it's emphasis on the college entrance exam and then finals in college. Yet they will turn around and engage in these same activities, feeding the system should they need to as well. So many students sit back and simple shrug their shoulders, feigning helplessness. The former beauty, glory, and history of China is diminishing each year, as the country paves its way forward by demolishing everything in sight in order to /LOOK/ like they are progressing. Always, the most important thing, is saving face, no matter the cost.
It is this that I cannot stand.
It is this understanding that has helped me to realize, I love Cambodia, and do not love China.
With a heavy heart, reflective mind, and hopeful heart that tomorrow will be better,
Rita
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Stop. Take a Deep Breath. Smile.
Let's start from the top, shall we?
Today is January 7th, and I have officially been in Thailand for two and a half weeks. It hasn't felt like that long to be honest, it's felt like longer. Though as Sam said yesterday, not in a bad way, in a good way.
A few of you I'm sure have been wondering what I have been doing while here, vacationing in the land of smiles. The answer I'm afraid may bore you and shock you. The answer? Not much.
Haha, see, confused yet?
What I mean by this is that, my trip here was not about being a tourist, going off to remote jungles and exclusive waterfalls- it has been about seeing my best friend Sam. Her and I were really close in Korea, and when she left for her next adventure two years ago, we never lost touch. In some ways, the distance has helped us to become closer at times, and for me at least, I know I have opened up more and more to her. While I have gone away to places like Chiang Mia, Ayutthaya, Kanchanaburi, and Koh Larn, aside from the last, they were all day trips by myself basically.
The rest of the time was spent right here, where I am now, sitting on her couch, talking and hanging out with one of my best friends. Neither of us need much to be happy- give us some tea, a good book, and we will let it ripe with laughter, good conversations, and lots of smiles between us. The friendship is beautiful in that, we don't have to talk to be company, and we are both similar and laid back enough that we can just go with things 97% of the time. (hey, no one is perfect!)
Has it been the most exciting trip of my life? No. Has it been exactly what I needed at this moment in life? Yes yes yes. 100%. Even more than I could have anticipated. Sam is more laid back than I am really, and being around her again has helped me learn to sit back and relax again. For so long, I felt this need to just "Go Go Go!", always moving, always doing something, that I didn't know how to sit without becoming unhappy. These two and a half weeks have been a lesson in just that. I could not have asked for a better friend to help me with this too.
Have we butted heads, or had moments of discord? Sure, every friendship has that sometimes. But we have moved past all quickly and with blind eyes to those moments, knowing they are of less importance than everything else.
The other wonderful thing that Thailand has done for me is to help me find my feet again. The last two months, I have been lost. I was always "The Girl With a Plan" *blows a pretend trumpet*. Yet, since about early November, life has felt a bit like a boat drifting in shallow water- no path, no guidance, no North Star to point me where to go next. For me, this sensation is absolutely terrifying, and after real conversations with Sam, and probably still WAY too much thinking, I am hesitantly pointing my feet towards what I think I should do next with my life. Right now I won't get into the exact details, but I will say that it feels good to have a goal and direction again.
Today I leave for Cambodia, one of my absolute favorite countries in the entire world It'll be my third trip to that amazing land, and while I am sad to say goodbye to Sam again, I know that our friendship will last over the distance, that I will see her again 2017 (England next time!), and that true friendship never fades, despite how long it is between visits. As Sam pointed out to me yesterday, sitting in what must have been our 20th coffee ship visit this trip: "Don't cry because it's over, laugh because it happened." So laugh is what I shall do. :)
Before I go, I will share one story with you from my time here- my favorite story I think, and one I will never forget.
The all day bus I had taken to get to Bangkok pulled in to the station at 5pm nearly on the dot. While impressed, I didn't linger, but instead bolted for the first taxi I could find- Siam Paragon was my destination, and Sam was waiting for me there. The driver pulls out on to the road and we are making good time, until we turn left. At first, we hit a little bit of traffic, which seems like no big deal. That little bit of traffic turns into more and more traffic, until before too long, the taxi I am in is sitting amid this congo line of red lights as far as the eye can see. Anxiously, I watch the time tick away, knowing full well I have no way of telling Sam I am stuck in traffic. Finally, after almost a full hour this, my taxi driver says that the station is just 200 meters up the road. I thank him, pay, and grab my stuff. Practically speed walking as fast my little legs will carry me with my giant backpacking backpack, I walk towards the subway station exits looking for exit 5. Very quickly I realize, they're not numbered! "What city doesn't number their exits?!" I think! Across the road I see a sign for exit 3, and hope that I am getting close. It turns out, that is the only exit that is numbered! Having walked past at least 4 subway exits with no Sam yet, I am beginning to panic. At one point I even go upstairs into the station, apparently mistakenly assuming that all subway stations have signs for the exits posted. NOPE! After walking back down, I continue following the main road. There is one more exit ahead of me before they end, and after that I figure that if Sam isn't at that one, I'll cross the street and start on the other side looking for her. All the sudden, I see something in the corner of my eye! I turn and Sam is running towards me. "OH MY GOD!" I yell, and then we hug for a solid two minutes! We laugh, both talking at the same time, trying to share our stories about the last hour, before she asks if I am hungry. Of course, like always, I am, so we head off for Korean food.
Thus began my time with my best friend, and I don't think you could find a better reunion story if you looked in my opinion.
I promise to write more about my adventures as I continue to travel. Thailand was just special. :)
Much love,
Rita
Today is January 7th, and I have officially been in Thailand for two and a half weeks. It hasn't felt like that long to be honest, it's felt like longer. Though as Sam said yesterday, not in a bad way, in a good way.
A few of you I'm sure have been wondering what I have been doing while here, vacationing in the land of smiles. The answer I'm afraid may bore you and shock you. The answer? Not much.
Haha, see, confused yet?
What I mean by this is that, my trip here was not about being a tourist, going off to remote jungles and exclusive waterfalls- it has been about seeing my best friend Sam. Her and I were really close in Korea, and when she left for her next adventure two years ago, we never lost touch. In some ways, the distance has helped us to become closer at times, and for me at least, I know I have opened up more and more to her. While I have gone away to places like Chiang Mia, Ayutthaya, Kanchanaburi, and Koh Larn, aside from the last, they were all day trips by myself basically.
The rest of the time was spent right here, where I am now, sitting on her couch, talking and hanging out with one of my best friends. Neither of us need much to be happy- give us some tea, a good book, and we will let it ripe with laughter, good conversations, and lots of smiles between us. The friendship is beautiful in that, we don't have to talk to be company, and we are both similar and laid back enough that we can just go with things 97% of the time. (hey, no one is perfect!)
Has it been the most exciting trip of my life? No. Has it been exactly what I needed at this moment in life? Yes yes yes. 100%. Even more than I could have anticipated. Sam is more laid back than I am really, and being around her again has helped me learn to sit back and relax again. For so long, I felt this need to just "Go Go Go!", always moving, always doing something, that I didn't know how to sit without becoming unhappy. These two and a half weeks have been a lesson in just that. I could not have asked for a better friend to help me with this too.
Have we butted heads, or had moments of discord? Sure, every friendship has that sometimes. But we have moved past all quickly and with blind eyes to those moments, knowing they are of less importance than everything else.
The other wonderful thing that Thailand has done for me is to help me find my feet again. The last two months, I have been lost. I was always "The Girl With a Plan" *blows a pretend trumpet*. Yet, since about early November, life has felt a bit like a boat drifting in shallow water- no path, no guidance, no North Star to point me where to go next. For me, this sensation is absolutely terrifying, and after real conversations with Sam, and probably still WAY too much thinking, I am hesitantly pointing my feet towards what I think I should do next with my life. Right now I won't get into the exact details, but I will say that it feels good to have a goal and direction again.
Today I leave for Cambodia, one of my absolute favorite countries in the entire world It'll be my third trip to that amazing land, and while I am sad to say goodbye to Sam again, I know that our friendship will last over the distance, that I will see her again 2017 (England next time!), and that true friendship never fades, despite how long it is between visits. As Sam pointed out to me yesterday, sitting in what must have been our 20th coffee ship visit this trip: "Don't cry because it's over, laugh because it happened." So laugh is what I shall do. :)
Before I go, I will share one story with you from my time here- my favorite story I think, and one I will never forget.
The all day bus I had taken to get to Bangkok pulled in to the station at 5pm nearly on the dot. While impressed, I didn't linger, but instead bolted for the first taxi I could find- Siam Paragon was my destination, and Sam was waiting for me there. The driver pulls out on to the road and we are making good time, until we turn left. At first, we hit a little bit of traffic, which seems like no big deal. That little bit of traffic turns into more and more traffic, until before too long, the taxi I am in is sitting amid this congo line of red lights as far as the eye can see. Anxiously, I watch the time tick away, knowing full well I have no way of telling Sam I am stuck in traffic. Finally, after almost a full hour this, my taxi driver says that the station is just 200 meters up the road. I thank him, pay, and grab my stuff. Practically speed walking as fast my little legs will carry me with my giant backpacking backpack, I walk towards the subway station exits looking for exit 5. Very quickly I realize, they're not numbered! "What city doesn't number their exits?!" I think! Across the road I see a sign for exit 3, and hope that I am getting close. It turns out, that is the only exit that is numbered! Having walked past at least 4 subway exits with no Sam yet, I am beginning to panic. At one point I even go upstairs into the station, apparently mistakenly assuming that all subway stations have signs for the exits posted. NOPE! After walking back down, I continue following the main road. There is one more exit ahead of me before they end, and after that I figure that if Sam isn't at that one, I'll cross the street and start on the other side looking for her. All the sudden, I see something in the corner of my eye! I turn and Sam is running towards me. "OH MY GOD!" I yell, and then we hug for a solid two minutes! We laugh, both talking at the same time, trying to share our stories about the last hour, before she asks if I am hungry. Of course, like always, I am, so we head off for Korean food.
Thus began my time with my best friend, and I don't think you could find a better reunion story if you looked in my opinion.
I promise to write more about my adventures as I continue to travel. Thailand was just special. :)
Much love,
Rita
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