Why Do I Bother?

I've decided, I'm done.
I'm done trying with guys.
They're jerks.
All they want is sex.
All they do is cause pain and unhappiness.
I'm done.

Why I'm Here

One of the most common questions I received before departing for the foreign land that is Korea was: Why?  There are numerous answers to this question- all of which are true and accurate- but one of the answers I'd give was this:  I have some things in my life I need to work on, areas I want to change about me.  Most everyone, when they heard this, would react confused and slightly defensive saying: Why can't you do that here?  You have to go half way around the world to do this?  As if by my answer I was saying Orlando wasn't good enough for me to do this there.  This isn't true at all.  I love the people in Orlando dearly, and miss the community that exists.  I miss talking to my friends, hanging out with them, random encounters and fun adventures.  Life isn't the same without you.
But I need to be here.
Today I felt something move in me, telling me that yes, coming here was right.  I've felt it many times, with it growing stronger each time I hear it.  I'm finally living my life I've always wanted to.  I'm doing things I haven't done in years but missed, doing things I always wanted to but never did.  My life is full of beauty, peace, simplicity- all that I could ever ask for. 
I'm volunteering again- in areas that always scared me to be honest (homeless ministry and an animal shelter).  And the fear/hesitation I feel from my own weakness encourages me to keep pushing forward.  I'm participating in bible studies, growing closer to God and attempting to learn about who He is.  I'm reading again, devouring books like I used to years ago.  I'm going dancing, but it doesn't consume my life the way it used to.  I feel a balance, true balance, in my life.  And it feels good.
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In other news, I've recently reconnected with an old friend.  She asked me two simple questions, to which I replied and asked her to tell me about her life.  The responses have been amazing, beautiful, joyful and full of such happiness that no words can express the overflowing sensation of happiness I have in my heart at talking to her again!  She's changed her life around, from one of being abused by her mom, watching her little sister be abused, to one of hard work, planning to start her own business, travel the world.  I'm so proud of her, I can't even tell you!  And the joy she feels in life, the faith she has in me even- it made me start crying upon reading it.  Nothing has ever done that to me- ever.  I can't wait to talk to her in person again, I have a feeling that we would talk for days if we could. 
Yes, life is good.  Not perfect, not easy, not always happy even- but good all the same. 
Love,
Rita

Is it a sign?

I had been considering staying in Korea for 2 years.  I want to go to grad school either in the US or UK, but need to save more money.  (I don't believe in doing something unless you already have the money to do it.  I don't believe in loans.)  The high school program is ending out here though, and next year it will not be available.  Which means that if I stayed, I would have to switch down to elementary or middle school.  I've always considered teaching middle school, but I know for a fact that I would not enjoy elementary school.  At all.  And there would be a 50% chance of teaching elementary.  I found this all out last night.  Now of course, I could try and get a middle school position, but I just have this feeling that I wouldn't enjoy it out here.  Middle schools out here require you to be tough, firm, the bigger jerk sometimes almost.  That's not how I teach.  My philosophy is: you respect me, I respect you.  We can do some fun stuff now, but when the time comes, we have to buckle down.  And so far, it's worked.  Both in my internship and here.  So needless to say, the idea I'd been tossing around in my head of staying here has been decided for me.  A solid NO. 
A few folks know I've been also considered teaching in Africa.  I don't know why- but I've felt this calling to teach there for about a month now, and so far, it hasn't really relented.  This morning, just for grins and giggles, I went to a site that is an international Christian school system.  I've been checking the site semi-regularly to see what openings they have.  And just today, they had not one or two, but numerous openings in the two schools in different countries over there!  And the one that's perfect is an ELL (English Language Learner) teacher for January 2012.  How perfect would that be?  I was blown away. 
And I can't help but wonder if it's a sign . . .
Love,
Rita

P.S.- Went to the DMZ (DeMilitarized Zone- the area of land separating North and South Korea) on Wednesday.  It was everything I expected, and nothing I expected.  I'll be writing a whole post on this soon, just haven't had the time to sit down yet.  So keep your eyes peeled!

Now I'm in a Whole New World . . .

This weekend I didn't do a lot, kind of just relaxed, talked with a lot of family and friends and enjoyed being a bit lazy.

Monday was different though!  I had the day off, so I decided to go climb a mountain!  I trecked across the city of Seoul, riding the metro for nearly 2 hours to reach my destination: Mt. Dobongsan. 

I had decided to try and take a less used path, but upon entering a busy, hiking store filled area right before an entrance, realized this quest had failed.  Luckily, it did not matter much as there were tons of trails to choose from at the main entrance as well.  I had just been hoping to avoid the crowds.

A super sweet ranger at the entrance helped me out by picking a trail and telling me how to get there (he spoke excellent English and was quite the joker!), after which I was on my way!

The climb in the first quarter was not too steep, but enjoyable, cool, some crowds so I knew I was on the right path, but not crowded per say.  There were a lot of steps, and so I didn't mind taking breaks for lunch or to enjoy the view in order to rest my poor legs.  About half way up, the true climb began!  Rock formations became the path instead of dirt and gravel- which was rather tricky, difficult and scarey at times honestly.  I don't think I have the right kind of shoes, and since I was alone, it made me nervous during the steeper parts as well.  But once I would reach a point where the trees parted, I couldn't help but feel in awe!  The view was simply amazing! 

But I felt I had to be really careful, as standing on a rounded rock to take pictures caused me to feel some vertigo at one or two points!

The final portion of the climb was the most difficult.  All I had to climb on were slanted rock faces with some gaps to use to step up on.  There were ropes tied to poles inserted into the ground to help me up, so I was extremelly grateful for those, as at this point my legs were hurting, weak and my energy dwindeling.  Once past the rock area, I only had another 5 minutes to the overlook of the valley.  And what a site! 
Beautiful green trees as far as I could see, two amazing Buddhist monasteries across the valley on the other side of the hill, some tree tops just starting to show touches of orange and red.  I was blissfully happy, and content to just sit there for a few minutes. 

I felt so blessed, as there was a man who spoke some English, greeted me kindly upon arrival, and graciously took some photos of me.  Since I really wanted a photo of me in front of this valley, I couldn't have been more grateful!  He even yelled me for standing to straight, and told me to not look so serious.  So, I put my hand on hip, lol,  He said that was a little better.                                            

While taking some photos of the scenery, another Korean man walked up to me and offered me a slice of apple!  It was purely random, but felt great knowing that people can be so kind to pure strangers. 

I enjoyed the moment for a little longer before beginning the dangerous hike down.  Here's where it got tricky and a little scarey honestly.  I was tired, I'd just spent the last 2 hours hiking up the side of a mountain, and my legs especially were exhausted. 
I slowly climbed back down the sleek face of the rocks, struggling to not lose balance on the loose gravel, and clinging to trees, rocks and handrails during the most difficult parts. 

 

At one or two points I slide on the loose gravel and had to catch myself with my kneese or hands, looking rather silly I'd imagine.  Folks were nice and I'm assuming asking if I was okay in Korean- to which I'd respond with a small smile feeling embarrassed.  After a long hike down this mountain, I finally reached the end!  There was a Buddhist monastery there too, with a gift shop on the outside (kind of tourist, I know).  I stopped in none-the-less, and bought a few things: a ceramic elephant for my grandma (she loves elephants), incense for my friend Jacqui, some Buddhist prayer beads (I want to have something to remember the religion by one day), and a cloth about the size of an individual table setting with a flower and Korean writing on it.  I hung this on my wall for decoration, as my walls seriously needed something! 

Surprisingly, my legs aren't hating me today.  I was up on that mountain for about 3 hours, but generally, I just feel a tightness in my legs and not much else.  This is a good sign I guess, lol, I was just expecting something much worse!

Alright, that's enough rambling about my day.

Love,

Rita

P.S.- This hikes soundtrack was Disney Greatest Hits, Volume 1.  xD

I Shall Rule the World, One Class at a Time

It's just over one month into my stay here in Korea, and it's been a non-stop roller coaster ride.
Some days are great, I'm happier then ever and enjoying living in this country more then I can say.
Others, not so much.  I get sad, depressed, withdrawn and want to cry.  It comes with the territory I think; learning about yourself, adjusting to a new culture/society, and being truly on your own for the first time.
Though it's difficult, my views on living here have changed already, and a plan has begun to form in my head for what I want to do in the next few years with my life.  I entered this program planning on staying for only 1 year, and have begun to think I may decide to stay for 2.  The pay is great, the hours are good, vacation is supposedly awesome (time shall tell) and I have no reason to return yet.  To top it off, I want to go to graduate school back in the states.  I would love to go to grad school in the UK, but I have yet to find a school I feel connected with like I have in the US.  After I've finished that, I would love to teach abroad again!  Possibly in South America, Africa, Germany.  Only after living in these other countries for a little bit, then I'd return to the US to teach.  I dream of working for a program called KIPP in DC, it's designed for the low SES kids, the underprivileged and usually ignored.  It's an amazing school that I hope I can be a part of someday.  My dreams and goals are strange, vast, and varied.  But now that the world is an open road for me, with possible jobs and connections to virtually every continent, how could I ever pass up the opportunity of doing what I have always dreamed of? 
Seeing the world.
I always used to look at people who have traveled the world and go: I want that.  I want their life.
Well, I've realized that I can have that life!  So, gosh-un-golly, I'm making it!
"If it is to be, it is up to me." ~William H. Johnson
Love,
Rita

Happy Bar

Wednesday night I ventured out to find swing dancing at a place called Happy Bar.  Up to this point, I had tried twice to find it before, both times failing abysmally.  I was overjoyed as I walked into this new found scene, and rejoiced in the fact that for once a dance room wasn't packed.  Don't get me wrong, having 200 people to dance with is great, but you have limited room to dance how you'd like.  So this dance hall with only 70 or 80 folks was the perfect size for the introvert and semi big dancer that I am.
I quickly put my things down and watched excitedly as the dancers finished their song.  I wanted to get a feel of the levels at this scene, and the style.  Only two or three songs in, I was asked to dance.  After we finished, he had a huge smile on his face and nudged his friend to ask me to dance too!  I've never considered myself that good of a dancer, and compared to the ancients in the states, I'm mediocre.  But that one guy made me feel amazing.
Later while between songs, another dancer said hi to me in English, and how it was nice to see me again!  I felt bad for not recognizing him, but replied in kind enthusiastically all the same.  Never (and I mean never) before, had a Korean dancer stopped to say hi to me on his own free will!  Suffice to say, I was ecstatic!!!  While dancing with another guy, he spoke to me in Korean (asking my name I think).  I caught one or two words I knew, so I guessed and was right!  He then told me his name!  Korean dancers are horribly ridiculously shy, so I was super excited to see a guy speak to me, even in Korean. 
At another point, I was dancing with this guy and he did this ariel sort of move on me.  It was kind of like around the world, except he only flung me behind his back and then brough me back the same way around the front.  I had no idea what was going on, how he got me into it, and how I didn't fail completely at it!  We both were laughing and had smiles at the end though!
Then, this one dancer made me feel really great at the end of one of our dances when, as we were saying thank you to each other, he says "You very good.  You very good." while laughing and smiling!  I didn't know what to say or how to react!
My favorite dancer there though was this one Korean guy.  We had danced earlier, and I think have this odd sort of connection even though we can't communicate.  As we dance, we have so much fun, laugh and be silly.  If one of us screws up, the other rolls with it and makes it something hillariously fun!  We were laughing almost the entire song when we danced together for a second time before I left.  Koreans may or may not smile while dancing, but rarely have they ever laughed with me while dancing.  (I laugh a lot)  But at Happy Bar, this guy did!  And many others would at least have a big smile and some even gave a small chuckle!  I think the folks there are more chill, so they enjoyed my enthusiam instead of finding it strange.  I was never lacking on partners while there, and was stopped twice on my way out to be asked to dance.  The very last guy I danced with spoke really good English, and was asking me tons of questions.  At the end, he was asking me if I'd be coming to Happy Bar every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday now!  I couldn't help but laugh!  I didn't say yes, since I want to check out the last 4 swing bars on my list (there are a good 14 total bars out here, but I've only chosen 10 to check out).  Honestly though, I don't know if I'll ever get around to checking them out now.  I've simply fallen in love with Happy Bar.  ^.^
Love,
Rita

Flounder- and not the fish

This goes out to my friends who are or were living and teaching abroad.  Did any of you flounder with adjusting to life in another country?  And not because the country was different, but because you were a foreigner, alone, in the middle of said giant country?
If you aren't, I'm really happy for you!
But I am.  I've been struggling to learn the language (I was always better with ideas, concepts, and numbers- not languages), which makes living here difficult. 
Just imagine this in your mind real quick: you exit the subway system.  Everything in site is in Korean, with English translations under the subway names and that's it.  You wander around for 30 minutes trying to find a store called E-mart (think Target).  When you finally find it, it's huge.  I'm talking, two stories.  And EVERYTHING is in Korean.  Now you can't speak the language, read the language, or understand the language- so you're on your own for finding everything.  The aisles are long, things all placed together in some order, you just don't know what.  You search every aisle for that one thing you're looking for.  You've wandered up and down every conceivable aisle and are losing both energy and time.  At this point, you don't want to turn back home since you've already dedicated so much time to this effort.  You decide to ask someone.  Problem: they can't understand you, or vice versa.  You're left to resort to miming and pointing at pictures on things in an attempt to make them understand you.  They laugh at you, and 50% of the time take you to the right thing.  You rejoice in happiness when you find it, and decide to leave while you're ahead.  At the checkout, there are no digital signs telling you the cost.  So again, you are left to craning over the cashiers shoulder to see the total price on her screen, or holding up fingers to represent the total.  You leave with your one thing, and collapse in your tiny apartment about an hour later, exhausted and disappointed, knowing that back home, you would have gotten everything on your list, not just the one, and done so in less then half the time.
If you're telling me that situation wouldn't be intimidating to you and overwhelming, you're lying.
This is what I face, every day.  And not to whine, but boy is it harder then I thought it would be.  There are parts where I thoroughly enjoy the adventure of it all- traveling around in a world unknown, venturing by myself with no link to the outside for help, daring to try and fail (which I do, almost every day) in the name of knowledge and adventure.  But at the end, it leaves me exhausted, and timid to go out again sometimes.  Especially by myself with no one to help me, cheer me along, or help me to laugh when I feel like crying.  I fear getting lost in this city, with no way of knowing how to get home or a phone to call anyone with.
When I go out to swing, I'm so used to the folks back home being friendly, talkative, and helpful that when I go out here, I'm shocked.  Even while dancing, Koreans are serious, say little (if anything at all) even when they can speak English, and almost never smile.  I meet foreigners and get so excited thinking: Finally!  I've found the folks who will become my friends!  (B/c back home, swing dancers ARE my friends.  All of my friends I either made through swing, or I got hooked into swing after I started it).  But no.  They already have their friends, and feel comfortable with the Koreans.  I find myself staring on as the few foreigners I have just meet forget entirely about me and talk to the Koreans, who also don't speak to me.  I mean, I do get it. The foreigners already have their friends.  They aren't in the same place that I am, where they feel this urgency in them to make a friend with someone, anyone.  I just wish sometimes they would think back to how they felt in the beginning and help me out by talking to me a little more.  More then a few words- I just want a small conversation, that's all.  Please?
I try and go with it.  I know it'll take time for me to make friends- I've always been slow at this.  I don't know why, I wish I did- maybe then I could change it.  I just don't connect with people quickly, or easily.  On the other hand, I have a tendency to rush things.  I expect something to happen wayyyy sooner then it should.  These other foreigners have been here for 2 years or more- of course they're going to be friends with everyone!  I just wish I could have that one person who was my friend, who I could message on fb saying:  Hey!  Let's go climb Mt. Inwangsan this Saturday and see the temple.  We could pack a lunch and follow the trail from the temple down to the old Seoul city wall, hiking along that for the afternoon until we decided we've had enough.  I want to enjoy this adventure with someone!  I want someone to be there to take my picture for me, that way I don't have to do it myself.  I want a friend.
I've learned that you can't wait for someone to join you on the adventures you seek though.  If you're patient and the time is right, they'll come to you.  I guess I must learn the value of patience.
Feeling lonely and blue,
Rita

Translate: I love you

So I've been meaning to sit down and type out what's been going on over here for a while now, but I kept putting it off.  And instead of typing out everything (b/c I'm feeling lazy), we're going to do a recap instead!  These things are the best moments from the past week that have made living in Seoul amazing:
~Complete strangers speaking to me in English to help me on the subway or the street.
~My students joking back when I tell them I don't have a boyfriend saying it's okay, me neither!
~"Teacher!  Teacher!  What's your waist size?"  Me, "I don't know honestly.", student, "Ohhh, okay.  You very slim.  I jealous."  Class erupts in laughter.
~Paying for some things at the store near the metro, and students helping me by translating what the clerk said.
~A complete stranger at first befriending me, giving me info on all the swing scenes, along with her phone number. 
~Her name ^ is Lucy.  "You're awesome!  Thank you so much for all you're help!  Seriously!!!"  Lucy, "Yeah, I am kinda awesome."  xD
~A student stopping by my desk and making a heart with her hands.  I made one in response and smiled at her before she then left for her class.
~Dancing a little charleston (nothing huge) while waiting for the metro to stop, and the old man next to me dancing back in response.
Just some of the random things that have made my days recently.  The beauty in communication, and sometimes even without.  Love is translated no matter the barrier, and I love this fact.  Off to bed, rest well everyone!
Love,
Rita

Wait! You mean I'm actually living in Korea?!

For a year?! 
---
Yes, today it finally hit me.  I am living in Korea, for a year, alone, unable to speak the dominate language, teaching high school girls English. 
After some amazing closing ceremonies by an orchestra that only plays traditional Korean music (videos to come later), everyone packed up, went out one last night together, and boarded their respective bus the following morning.  About 1 hour later, we all climbed off our bus nervous and excited.  With my luck of course, I was the third one picked up after only having to wait about maybe 10 minutes.  Lee Mija, the head of the English department at my school, helped me with my luggage and whisked me away with barely a few moments to yell bye back.  We ate pizza and then visited our school.  I meet one of my three co-teachers, Chau-Eun, who thankfully speaks English very well before her, Lee Mija, the two vice principals and principal all sat down together.  The next 10 minutes consisted of me feeling so nervous I was smiling uncontrollably while they all speak about me in Korean.  It was fascinating and frightening.  My co-teach Chau-Eun, walked me through everything I needed to know about the school and teaching there.  Luckily I have tomorrow off to prepare and get myself together still, so I don't have to teach until Monday (whew!).  After this, I was off to my apartment- with a room on the top floor, 10 before then heading off to the supermarket!  There we went grocery shopping, I ran into another student from the EPIK program (YAY!) who said he lives really close to me.  I gave him my email, so I'm anxiously waiting to hear from him.  We brought my food back, unpacked that, and my co-teacher took me out for tea before then leaving herself.  Oh!  And somewhere in here I also exchanged my money for Korean won too.  After I was finally alone, I spent the next 3 1/2 hours unpacking.  I also cooked on a hot plate, tried my hand at the washing machine (sadly no dryer) and started my lesson plan for Monday.  I was stressing out about the fact that it's real, so me being the smart alick that I am, put in the movie "Be Cool"- to remind myself to, well, be cool.  xD  I think I'm mostly moved in. 
Goals/To Do for this weekend:
~Pick up a few more shirts for teaching (somehow don't have enough)
~Buy a pair of sandals for the school (you can't wear outside shoes inside the school)
~Explore my area a little bit, get to know it
~Find a swing scene for dancing!!!
I'll keep you guys posted and updated about what's going on.  I hope you guys are doing well and can't wait to hear about where life takes you! 
Love,
Rita

How to: Get Back Up Again

I have officially spent 3 days in Seoul now, and never before have I felt such homesickness.  It's scarey to be honest, especially since I've never felt such a feeling before.  Never at a sleep away camp during elementary or middle school, never while visiting family or friends, never while at college even.  So before this I was blessed, and now I think God has decided it is time for me to learn the value of family and friends.  I have this deep fear inside me that all my friends will forget about me, I won't make any over here, and I will be left to fall into this void where I am alone.  Today, I acknowledged that fear within myself, writing out and forcing myself to visually face every fear I was feeling on the inside.  A little later, I replied to an old friend on skype, admitting my fears.  He has been in my life for almost 7 years now, and knows me better then almost anyone.  I know he will understand once he reads my messages.  Knowing this fact alone, as odd as it sounds, comforted me.  I then messaged another friend asking him for help and strength during this time.  I admitted my weakness to another.  Once I did these things, it was amazing the weight that was lifted off my shoulders.  I turned on some music, allowed myself to get carried away by TobyMac, and began to feel a pulse come back into my step.  It felt amazingly good honestly!  I was even able to be happy, enjoy the idea of being in Korea for a year (I had been struggling with this since I missed my friends so much), and knew that now I could suck up the fear that was remaining inside and push myself to just move on.  (Of course it helps to have friends I can talk to about my fears, worries, etc. with as well!)  Well, I'm off to bed.  For pictures and the like see my facebook page.
Love, hugs, & kisses,
리타
^
Rita

Last Night Home

It's my last night at home.  I'm in bed, with my computer, cat and phone by my side like any other normal night.  Only thing that is different about this night is that it will be my last night at home in MY bed for a year.  Everyone keeps asking if I'm nervous, apprehensive, scared, etc.  To be honest, I don't feel any of those things.  It's not that I'm cold, I'm just so focused on what I NEED to do, and it's barely sunk in what I'm ABOUT to do.  I'm about to embark on a huge journey- one filled with wonder, excitement, fear, and adventure.  Where I will be living in a foreign country for a year, learning about numerous other cultures, trying tons of different foods, and exploring at least one foreign country to my heart's content!  The only thing I sort of feel right now is a small blip of excitement when considering this a future thing that I will be doing, not realizing it's something that's about to happen.  My brain is weird I guess, lol.
On a slightly tangential yet related note- how I managed to pack 2 suitcases with only 100 lbs of things in it to last me (mostly) for a year, I'll never know!  If the scales at Publix are correct (let's hope to God they are), my suitcases weigh in at 49 lbs, and 49.5 lbs.  The limit is 50- talk about cutting it close!  I really hope that the flights won't be too bad.  I should be exhausted, but for some reason tonight I'm not.  And the fact that my room is not a disaster area like it was only 6 hours ago is amazing to me.  I'm still going to put away one or two last minute things, but other then that, I think I'm going to paint my toenails (the one girly thing I love to do for myself every 2-3 weeks), watch a little tv, speak with one or two friends, and then go to bed.  I have to wake up at 6, be out the door by 7, and on the plane by 9 so that we can take off by 9:30.  I'll be landing at 4:40 pm KST on the 17th if all goes well (that's 3:40 am EST on the 17thfor everyone back home).  Should be everything from wonderful to horrid all at once.  Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I journey across the world, I think my sadness at not seeing my family and friends as regularly as I do will be a huge battle for me to overcome.  I will need all of your support during the next few weeks, so I thank you in advance. 
Love love love,
Rita

Let's prepare for the Preperations!

Late last week I received my contract in the mail!  Yay!  Downside?  The closest consulate to get my visa is in Atlanta, Ga. 
I hear a road trip in my immediate future. . .  fun, boring?  No way to know yet!  :O
Things are going well.  I have a semi-large to do list, which is only difficult to address due to the fact that I am still running my camp for another two weeks. 
My to do list thus far:
~Drive up to Atlanta for my visa
~Get any last shots that I need
~Email my program coordinator my flight details
~Go to 3 last doctor appointments
~Fly up to VA to visit with friends one last time
~Go on a small vaca with the family
~Call my credit card company
~Call my bank
I think that's it.  So, not too bad, it just feels like a lot.
On a fun note: I got a new computer today!!!  Yayyyy!  I love it, it makes me happy.  :)  Heehee!  I've needed a new one for a long time now, my old one was literally falling apart, was horribly slow, and required way more patience then should be asked of a computer owner. 
I love you guys, and hope you're doing well.  <3 *hugs*
Love,
Rita

Beauty, struggles and life

Welcome to week 5 of summer camp with Miss. Rita and Miss. K!  Things have been going well so far, though sadly with far fewer students then I had been expecting based upon how many parents signed their kids up.  It comes with the territory because it is a camp, but still makes it frustrating.  You know?  The kids have been well behaved for the most part.  Some are more difficult then others, requiring more time, patience or work, but I love them all the same.  I love challenges, so it's not so bad.  Miss. K and I have settled into a nice routine with the kids, and things have really started flowing with each passing week too.  I love having a routine, don't you?  It's great getting to know the kids and learn about them- everything from their quirks, likes, dislikes, and little habits they do.  It's things like this that make me happy.  :)
I found out only last night that I will officially be teaching in Seoul!!!  I am so excited about this, and can't wait to leave!  Only 5 weeks left now!  I realized while at swing dancing Friday night how close it is, and it hit me like a ton of bricks honestly!  I mean, wow! It's both scary and exhilarating at the same time, to think that in just over a month I will be LIVING in another country.  I honestly can't wait!  And the more I think about and prepare myself for what's to come (as best as I can prepare at least), the more I look forward to it.  So I know that I am on the right path, and making a change in my life towards a direction that is hopefully filled with peace, adventure and a closeness with God that I have been lacking lately.
Also, I've been researching master's programs that I find interesting or exceptional for when I return from Korea.  I found one recently that really sparks my interest.  It's called a masters international.  Basically the way it works is you pursue your masters degree at a college connected with the program, and at the end of your time there, you enter the peace corp for 2 years.  The peace corp counts towards your masters program, and you will be placed in the peace corp with a program doing what you are pursuing your masters degree in.  Which for me would be english education/teaching.  The only thing that has me hesitant is the fact that it is a 27 month obligation with the peace corp- which is a very long time.  But I'm thinking on it and the more I dwell on the idea, the more I want to do it!
Why live an ordinary life when you could live an extraordinary one?
Love you guys!  I can't wait to hear more updates from all of you on how things are going!
Always,
Rita

Summer Camp

First week of camp down, half way through the second, and 6 more to go.  Overall things have gone really well I guess.  Not too much to complain about. 
VBLX was . . . complicated.  Some moments were great, things flowed really well and I was so happy.  Some moments were horrible, full of anger and tears.  *sigh*  Not my idea of the perfect trip.  I got to spend time with people I hadn't seen for a long time, but not enough to feel satisfied.  Talked with one or two people who I needed to talk to, but man- were those conversations hard.  Bother.  I think I'm off to bed early.  Not feeling 100% emotionally lately- I don't know if it's the physical drain from camp or the sadness & fear I'm beginning to feel at being so far from all my friends, but I feel sad.  Oh well.  Sorry for not going into a lot of detail, just not feeling up to it really. 
Night friends, until next time.
Rita

Is it possible to learn too much?

Over the past year since I've graduated, not much has happened in my life- yet I've learned more about myself then ever before I think.  I honestly don't know how I feel about this.  Movies and books all say that self knowledge is highly valued and a wonderful thing.  But I can't help and wonder if the people who say this is a wonderful thing have actually ever gone through the process.  It's a nitty-gritty, tough, painful experience, learning about who you are, what you do, and the way you work.
I recently realized that I am a tortoise when it comes to making decisions.  Nay, a snail!  Not with all decisions, but with big ones, I mull it over for, well, forever.  Once I do make a decision, I follow it like a speeding bullet!  I wish I could find a nice balance, make decisions at a more balanced pace and keep my mind open once I do so that I don't get tunnel vision.  For instance, it's taken me a year to decide that I want to go to graduate school, and I still don't know what in.
I've learned that I need my friends to help me keep my thoughts straight.  If I don't talk out things on my mind, they get tied up like strings into a knot. 
I've learned that when I'm with someone, I need them to be consistent.  I need to know that they'll be there, especially when I need them.  I have to know that they won't leave- I have this fear that they will just walk out.  Whether it's because of my own unrealistic fear or because of my history, I feel convinced that every guy will just leave until they prove me wrong.  It's kinda horrible, but I can't help it.
I've learned that I do have a limit when it comes to people hurting me.  See, I had been seeing this guy in VA, a navy guy, and we had really hit it off.  I mean, we liked each other, a lot, and fast.  Well, we had a fight, he got deployed, and things went downhill fast.  During his time away, our relationship slowly faded into one of anger, misunderstanding, and hurting.  Friends who I had been talking to about the situation and knew how much the conversations I was having with him hurt me, all said stop talking with him.  All said cut him out of my life.  I don't just cut people out of my life though, that's not how I work.  He said something about a week ago that hurt me, a lot.  So I finally cut him out last week.  It actually felt good, removing a person from my life who had been so negative.  But he still managed to come strolling back in the other night .  I don't know how I feel about this.  :/
I wish I wasn't so afraid to be a bother to my friends.  I wish I was closer to my friends.  I wish I wasn't so anti-social so often, and that I was able to just hang out with people.  It's just hard for me I guess, I never was capable of being as social as other, like Eric.  I'm drawn to people like him because they bring out that part of me, which I love.  Oh well.  No point in complaining about things when that won't get you anywhere right?
I'm going up to Virginia Beach this week for VBLX.  Sounds like fun right?  Nooooot so much actually.  The guy who I was just talking about, ^ there, he lives in V.B. and will be attending some of the dances.  He also wants me to stay with him.  (That's so not happening btw)  One of my friends who lives in V.B. told me that he's been chasing after a new girl; and wouldn't you know it, I was assigned to her for housing.  I did this as a precaution, but boy does it feel awkward now.  I'm staying with a friend I trust, mostly, so at least I can avoid that part.  But to top it off, I have a friend in dc who wants me to skip entirely and visit them, knowing I'm feeling very anxious about this upcoming trip.  Can you say stressed?  Ugh.
In S.K. related news!  As part of my final application, I was required to order a copy of my diploma and an FBI background check both with an official apostille seal.  I mailed out the requests for both almost 4 weeks ago, and hadn't heard anything from either.  Well, I wasn't surprised about the FBI one, since that can take up to 8 weeks.  The diploma shouldn't be taking so long though, so I finally called them today to find out what the hold up was all about.  Apparently there was a hold on my account originally, it had been lifted, but the registrar's office hadn't been notified.  So my request had just been sitting there until I called them.  Lovely!  The girl I talked to asked if I wanted it rush delivered, and since I expected to have to wait another week or two for my FBI background check, I said no.  She said it would arrive within a week, guaranteed.  The day goes on like usual, my brother brings in the mail, and what's in the mail but . . . *drum roll please!* . . . my FBI background check.  >.<  Son-of-a. . .!  Well, I have to get the apostille seal anyways, and that'll take about a week too, so I guess it works out alright.  But still, seriously?  xD
My camp starts next week.  I have 21 kids signed up, and I'm really excited!  Nervous, but excited.  It'll help me figure out if pursuing a master's degree in special ed is what I want, since I've been considering doing so once I return from Korea. It's either special ed or english ed. 
I guess after a few weeks, I'll know for sure about special ed.
I'm off, time to cuddle with the kitty.
Love to all,
Rita

Hi There

So I'm not really sure what to say.  I've never really done a blog before.  I guess this'll just be a starter entry to get used to this blog thing.
Let's see . . . today I turned my camp into an LLC!  I'm very proud of myself for this, I must admit.  It's kinda cool knowing that there's a company with my name on it (and not by coincidence!).  Though I've learned that I am not much of a business person and would never want to own my own company.  Just not my thing. 
Camp starts in 19 days, and things are finally coming together.  I have the first 3 weeks finalized in lesson plans and will be finishing the other 5 tomorrow.  I'm really excited about this summer camp, despite all my nerves going into this, I am excited.  I think I'll be okay, I hope I'll be okay, I know I'll be okay.
89 days until South Korea!
Love,
Rita