It was high school, my senior year, and yearbooks had just arrived. Like everyone on campus, I was enjoying carrying around the huge book, having all of my friends sign it, and attempting to not compare how much emptier my book always seemed then all of the others around me. During one of my classes, I can't remember which one, my best friend wrote her message to me. She asked me not to read it till after class, so I said okay not thinking much about it. When I finally did take a peek, I realized why. She had written how she hadn't wanted to be friends with me in the beginning, and had actually tried to push me away. We are still friends to this day, and I consider her my closest friend over any other, but man did it hurt to read that. From someone who I thought had always enjoyed the friendship as much as me, it came as huge surprise to learn that she felt different.
Fast forward about 5 years. I have graduated college, moved back home and was out one night with swing dancers from the local scene. As I was still new, I didn't have any friends at the scene yet and was invited by someone randomly. The guy who invited me out sat next to me, and he is just a giant teddy bear of a sweet guy. He told me that, after he first meet me, he thought I didn't like him and was a mean person. It took someone else who, though he didn't know me either, to explain that I am just a shy and nervous person, for him to understand. I walked away a second time feeling confused and sad.
Though I have other examples in my life of when people I thought were my friends later reveal that they didn't like me when they first meet me, or didn't want to be friends with me, and it still hurts just as much as the first time.
I know I am a hard person to be friends with sometimes. Being stubborn, bluntly honest, quiet, sarcastic, and often very poor with explaining my thoughts or emotions, it makes it hard for people to get along with me or even like me sometimes. Add to this that I am an introvert, and you have a wonderful combination of hard personality traits to take in.
Being an introvert in a world where three out of four people are extroverts makes living life hard sometimes. Introverts are often misunderstood, seen as weird, freaks, or mean people who prefer to live in their own little world rather than see sunlight. Everyone could not be more wrong.
I am tired of being misunderstood, viewed as a mean or angry woman, or avoided by people because they think I am a boring, straight-laced, whatever little girl! I am just tired of it! Friends tell me to only hang out with those who want to be my friends, but let me ask you this: How do you know who wants to be your friend if those you think are your friends hide the truth that they find you difficult or not fun to be around? How is one to know the difference? I sure as hell don't! Just grow up and be honest- if you don't like me, then say so. It is much easier for me to handle if you tell me that up front and in the beginning than later on in the friendship. Otherwise, I start to think the whole friendship was a lie.
And you know what? So what if I know where I am going in life? You don't? That's fine, I won't judge you- I have numerous friends who are trying to find their way, and I don't judge them. But stop being angry at me because you are mad/scared that you can't be the same!
You're right, I don't drink alcohol that often. You think that's weird or makes me boring? Then you're a fucking idiot. If you aren't able to have fun on your own without the aid of another substance, then I pity you. I just happen to have enough fun sober, that the addition of alcohol is not needed. Will I drink? Yes. When with friends who I trust, absolutely. I just don't really see the point all the time.
You're scared or intimidated by the fact that I have morals or ethics that are strong and clearly defined? Get over yourself and grow a pair. Knowing what I believe, having a sense of right from wrong, is the only way I keep this world in check. Somebody has to know when to say no, otherwise our world would be run by idiots who think doing stupid shit all the time is great.
Either be my friend or don't. Either be there, care, and want to hang out with me, or don't. It is as simple as that. Don't half-ass it, fake it, or lie to me. I will find out, and I will not be quick to forgive you. I have little patience for people who deceive me, and if you don't like the way that I am, then you can shove it.
Always,
Me.
