Looking Back to Move Forward

2014 has been a long year.  Every year, at the end, when I sit down to reflect on the year in entirety, I always think to myself: "Wow, that was a hard year!".  2009 was hard, when my grandmother passed away as I was flying up to say goodbye.  2010 was a shift, as it was the year I graduated and said goodbye to my friends after college.  2011 was difficult, as I first moved overseas this year.  In 2012, I faced a illness that would leave me afraid of a re-occurrence and flashbacks to the pain for months, along with a job that would shake my faith in myself to teach.  The year 2013 was a challenge, with my first real exposure to what a cruel break-up means, along with gaining first hand knowledge of what it is like to count ever penny you own just to get by.

This year though, this year was something else.  To be honest, it's still hard to believe everything that has happened in the span on 12 months, and to openly admit that, yeah, that was me living through those things.
1 year ago, I was finishing the second semester of graduate school.
1 year ago, my home was in Seoul, South Korea.
1 year ago, I found out that the man who I had trusted and been in a relationship with had been lying to me.
1 year ago, that same man revealed to me that he was married, and had used me to cheat on his wife and son.
10 months ago, his wife contacted me, and what ensued were about 4 months of on and off communication (aka: harassment) from her, blaming me for everything.
7 months ago, all of my belongings and life were packed up and moved back to America.
7 months ago, I said goodbye to some of the best friends I have made during my life in Korea.
5 months ago, China became my new home.
This week, I finish teaching my first semester as a college teacher.

Wow.  All that happened in one year?  I still struggle to believe it too.

Now, sitting here, I can't believe I went through all of those things in just 365 days.  For a long time, I honestly didn't think I would make it.  It felt like the struggles, hardship, and sadness would never end, particularly when trying to deal with the cheating married man and his wife.  Though neither were bad people outright, they (and I) all made bad decisions which caused increased pain beyond what was necessary.  Life was a black tunnel, with no white light at the end.  All I knew was constant guilt, anger, blame, and fights.
Now...now life feels completely different.
I am happy again, laughing and enjoying life.  It's not the, soul smiling, face hurting, world rocking happiness like I experienced for a brief few days in America, but that was a special kind of happiness.  Every week, I get to walk into seven classes and have fun teaching English through conversation or history.  Every week, I also try my hand at cooking, and have now mastered a number of new recipes, all from scratch as well.  Sure, sometimes I feel lonely, sad, and miss my friends, but that happens to everyone.  In only one and a half weeks, I will be traveling to Thailand to celebrate both Christmas and New Years with one of my best friends Sam, my amazing bestie I haven't gotten to see for nearly 2 years.  After that, I get to travel to Cambodia again, one of my three favorite countries in the entire world, with my friends Suzanna and Yumiko.  After that, it's a journey through China, with stops in Nanjing, Hong Kong, Hainan, Shanghai, and Huangshan.  Then, I end it by celebrating one of my best friends weddings in America, along with my Mom's birthday after 4 years of having to miss them.  What makes all of it better, is knowing that I paid for the entire adventure with my own hard work and dollars, on a teacher's salary.  My parents taught me that bragging is wrong, but it's also good to celebrate the feats you achieve in life- and for me, this is one of them. 
It feels like life is finally going in the right direction.  And to be honest, after the year I went through, I feel like I deserve it.
All my love,
Rita

Can't wait to see one of my best friends, Sam!

For the first time in at least three years, it snowed in December!

I was dancing like a 5 year old!

Yumiko and I on campus.

 

 On a walk down to the beach with my juniors.

 Angel and I, the first student I became friends with here.

Suzanna and I at Starbucks on opening weekend!  

Merry Christmas to all, from the Dongda University English Language Department (and students)!

Somewhere Between Black and White

Life is unfair.  This simple statement has to be one of the hardest facts about life to learn, accept, and overcome.  It has always been true, and will always be true.  We may want to cry out against the frustrations of the world, the wrongs committed against the innocents, and the struggles that are faced by good people who have done nothing but work hard.  But we can not.  The reason is simple:

Sometimes, bad things happen to good people.

It has always been hard for me to accept this, as one of the morals I hold highly in life is fairness.  These bad things don't happen out of spite from the universe, because someone deserved them, or any other such none-sense like that.  The sad reality is that, this is the way that life goes- up, and down, at times calmly like you'd expect, but more often erratic like you wouldn't.  It is these erratic moments, particularly the extreme ones, that cause most people to feel confused, become afraid or angry, and struggle to understand what is going on in the world around them.  

Seven and a half years ago, a young man decided that the best option for him was to take guns and begin shooting in one of the buildings at Virginia Tech University.  On that day, 32 lives were lost, not including the gunmans'.  One of the greatest losses of life by a single person, it was the largest school shooting that I could remember very clearly, as I was only in 5th grade when Columbine took place.  That year, I was a freshman at Florida State University, and I recall distinctly standing in my dormitory.  The room I was in overlooked Landis Green, a large lawn in the center of the school, as well as the entrance to Strozier Library, the largest and main library on campus.  I was afraid, very confused, and extremely sad.  I remember wanting to do more for Virginia Tech, but not knowing what.

Little did I realize that in 2014, my university would undergo a similar experience.  Only one day ago, a man walked into Strozier Library and opened fire.  With every fiber of my being, I give thanks for the next words I write: he failed to kill a single person.  The police shot the gunman down outside of the library, and the three students who were wounded are being treated now. 

When I read the breaking news story, I felt sadness and confusion.  How could this happen at my school?  Why would someone do this?  Why were we so lucky, but so many other schools/universities not?  How did no one know that the shooter was so upset/mentally ill/dangerous that he was able to go that far?  Did the shooter have to die?  (I am very strongly against killing anyone, especially if it is a case of mental illness.  Not as an excuse, but simply because America needs to begin accepting that the things some people do are preventable if we put forth the time to respect mental illness as a serious problem.  It is never as simple as bad guys and good guys, but rather: a good person who turned bad because of internal forces they did not receive the proper help to stop or care for.)

In the morning, when I woke up, I still felt sad honestly.  To the point of, when I threw the covers off my legs and tried to stand up, I found myself instead crumpling to the ground in prayer, and crying.  Maybe this sounds silly to you, but every loss of life, every tragedy in this world, every pain that goes unnoticed to the point of pushing someone to feel the need to take another person's life, is cause for grief to me.  I feel for the shooters family and friends.  I feel my former classmates and the current students.  And I feel for my school, FSU.

We are Noles.
We are Floridians.
We are human.

Always,

Rita

Ain't No Party

Like a Halloween Party!

All the Chinese love
From,
Elsa, Sherlock, and Rosie the Riveter

P.S.- If you can believe it, (or maybe you do), I'm the extroverted/loud one in the group.  Hah!  Funny right?  ;) 
Love, hugs and kisses!

I'm Still Alive!

Dear Friends,
First, I would like to begin by offering a sincere apology to all of you.  I over-estimated how much free time I would have here in China, and underestimated how hard of a transition it would be. 
In the beginning, I honestly thought I would have ALL this free time to read, draw, go for runs, watch movies, do research (yes, that is fun to me), etc.  Little did I realize how much time I would spend every week creating lesson plans, grading, meeting and hanging out with all of my kids as best as I can.  On top of this, I never imagined the difficulty I would encounter in trying to adjust to life in China.   Not as in it would be hard here, I already knew that part.  What I mean is that the beginning was VERY VERY hard for me because I kept wanting to compare everything to Korea.  The people here, the students, food, clothes, attitudes, behaviors, Everything.  I wasn't trying to.  I didn't mean to.  There were countless days I would consciously tell myself NOT to.  Yet I couldn't help it.  This made my transition here harder than I expected, and in a way, I guess I deserve that.
Second, I'm still alive!  Let's take a moment here to applause this fact!  Haha!  I have successfully made it through two months of being a college professor, with as far as I know, no students hating my guts yet.  Though they did come close last week when I gave them the homework assignment to not use their cellphone for 24 hours...  Anyways!  As I said previously, this job keeps me on my toes and super busy.  Just this last Friday I was the emcee and dance teacher for two hours at a dance party we had here on campus.  While great fun, and I honestly did not mind leading all of the dances, two straight hours of jumping around, running, moving, and talking to students was exhausting!

The other two teachers here at Dongda, Luke and Suzanna also do a lot of social activities with the kids.  Sometimes the three of us do things together with each other and the kids, and sometimes separate.  Just yesterday I spent about 2-3 hours eating lunch, hanging out, and talking with four of my freshmen girls.  But on Saturday, Luke, Suzanna, and I took 23 of our kids to Mt. Zushan to go hiking.

I guess what I'm saying is, if you don't hear from me for long periods of time, that is why!  I'm just busy busy busy!  And that's the way I like to be!  :D
Last but not least, I am only a few days away from my 27th birthday.  Hard to imagine that I have celebrated four years overseas, growing, learning, and becoming a better version of me.  The me I was always meant to be. While I wish I could say that I have achieved all of the dreams I had set for myself by this age when I was younger, it's just not true.  I thought by this point I would be living in the north-east of the States, married, working as a history teacher, and possibly with one child already.  Instead, here I am.  Entrepreneur, world traveler, international educator, college professor, daughter, best friend, and turning into a woman I never before imagined could exist.  On one hand, I could go "woe is me, I'm single and childless".  But that's not how I see it.  I've taught around 1700 students in my four years so far, and all of them are my kids.  I used to think I was this shy, quiet, invisible, and easily forgotten little girl.  Now I sit here at my desk in China, 1pm in the afternoon, smiling with the fresh positive feedback from my boss just yesterday still ringing in my ears.  His words telling me how clear it is that I am a professional, amazed at my passion and compassion when teaching, and how my presence is the glue pulling the team together.  No superior has complimented me so kindly and honestly in a long time, and I know that he is not the sort to provide others with fluff compliments.  I love who I am, and even more who I am becoming.  Happy Early Birthday to me, here's to another 27 amazing years on this beautiful Earth.
I love all of you, and hope that you are not only healthy and safe, but happy and smiling all the time.  You are beautiful people, and never forget it! 
Always,
Your Wanderlust Friend/Sister,
Rita

P.S.- If you'd like to follow along with my photos, you can go here: https://ritaschinaadventures.shutterfly.com/
It's a website I created for family back home to be able to see all of my photos easily.  Now you can too!

Learning Life, Version: China 1.0

As a foreigner in China, there a few things I have come to learn during my short time here.  Aspects to daily living that are distinctly different from life as a foreigner in Korea.
1. You are a celebrity
For many of your students, you are not the first foreigner they have seen.  But for every two students who have spoken to someone from abroad, there is one who probably hasn't.  Good example, yesterday I had lunch with three freshman girls, and I was the first expat they had ever met in their entire life.  Talk about a humbling moment.  Today while at the printer store, one of my freshman boys saw me, and came over to say hi.  He then asked to take a picture with me.  While most of your students are eager to talk despite their shyness and curious, there will always be a few who will try to either sneak a photo of you during class, or even out right ask to take a photo with you.  Don't be surprised, they have never seen anyone like you before.

2. You become brave
When you cross the street, the cars do not always obey stop crosswalk lights.  If you want to walk across the road, you have to simply start walking between cars, standing in the middle to wait if necessary.  You also have to buy fruit and vegetables from street vendors.  If you are like me, where you came to the country knowing only how to say hi, then this formerly simple task morphs into a large undertaking that can be terrifying.  Wonderfully enough, there are many, many Chinese who want to talk with you, even if you can't speak Chinese, and are willing to help you out as much as they know how to.

3. Your preconceptions break down
Take everything you thought you know or understood about China, hold it in a box in your mind.  Got it?  Now take that box, and throw it in the trash can.  China is nothing like what you think, and every day I find myself surprised by the people, food, culture, friendliness, and willingness to help.  A senior student, a girl I had met once randomly while with my coworkers and eaten dinner with, not only helped me to buy train tickets when I went to Beijing, but also physically went with me to the train station.  Simply just to help me so I wouldn't get lost.  Not that I thought people would be mean, but that is above and beyond what I have experienced anywhere else.

4. You learn to understand
 In America, we act.  We must do things NOW, at this VERY minute.  We hurry, hurry, hurry, and have trouble understanding how other countries can not only be different, but settle for what we see as less than adequate.  Yet while talking with students, you began to see the world through their eyes, how familial relationships are of the utmost importance, hard work is a natural part of life, and accepting that China is so large, things progress slowly sometimes.  You begin to realize that the pace of life is simply slower, and maybe that's not such a bad thing, despite what we think in America.

5. You are humbled
 Unlike in America or even Korea, nothing here has English.  Virtually nothing at least.  This means, when you want to mail a letter, you have to ask a student to help you.  When you are with coworkers who both speak Chinese, you sometimes have to sit while they talk in Chinese to waitress or your Chinese coworkers, asking for translations when it isn't rude to interject.  You have to learn to simply laugh when students ask how you get around without knowing the language, trying hard to not feel embarrassed by the truth that it is actually very difficult sometimes.  Life here knocks you down a peg, and when you don't know something or can't understand, which may be often in the beginning, you can either suck it up and go along for the ride, or sit proudly in your apartment by yourself.

6. You learn to listen
Students will talk to you, if you wait.  I have been honestly shocked at how much they share with me.  The reason?  You are a foreigner.  You are not one of their friends.  You are SAFE.  Often we find it easy to half listen to each other, muttering "uh-huh" while they speak, scrolling through facebook on our phones.  Focusing on what a student really says, proving they are there 100%, will give them the safe feeling they need to begin speaking to you. And wow, when they speak, they SPEAK!  I have been shocked by how much some kids have shared with me already honestly, and though I feel unworthy of their trust, and don't usually know what to say, I just remember that more times than not, speaking is not always about being understood, it is about being heard.

I know I'm missing stuff, but that's what I have so far.  Life is good here, though overwhelming at times!  (In good ways!)  I have a break next week, and feel grateful for the chance to rest halfway through my semester so far.  When I had my first skype session with my US boss this past Wednesday, he commented that I was the only one really smiling.  I acknowledged yes, and stated that the reason was because I had just finished a class only a few hours before.  Teaching makes me happy, and I love strolling into a classroom and seeing 30, 40, or 50 kids staring back at me, all smiling, excited, eager, nervous, and anxious for the chance to learn in my class.  It is the best feeling in the world.  It is amazing, how easy it is to love every single one of your students, even ones you barely know.
Always,
Rita

It's a Beautiful Day!

(I meant to post this yesterday, but didn't have internet in the morning, and forgot by the evening!  Whoops!)

Good morning!

It is officially 7:50 am in Qinhuangdao, China on Saturday.  That means it is 7:50pm on Friday in the East Coast USA.  Cool huh?  Yesterday and the day before were spent entirely in travel.  We (the team) woke up at 5am on Thursday morning, were on the road to the airport by 6, the plane departed by 10am (due to delays), and we touched down in China at 2:50pm on Friday afternoon.  From there, it was another four hour bus ride to our city, which wasn’t as bad as I worried it would be.  (Seoul buses are AWFUL!)  After getting one or two things from the local store with my other team mates, I settled into my new place, and slowly started making it my home.  It’s not done yet, and the list of things I need seems to be growing ever longer slowly (all little things too, ugh!), but it is definitely coming along quite nicely.  Today we will explore the campus a little, get what supplies we need, and possibly go downtown a bit as well.

I bet you are wondering, what about the fact that I am in CHINA!  Well, in case you were wondering, no I hadn’t forgotten in my jet lagged haze (I don’t feel that jet lagged honestly, despite waking up at 6am).  Lol!  I haven’t gotten to see a lot since arriving yet honestly, as driving through Beijing does not give you a good feel for what the city is like.  We also arrived in Qinhuangdao at about 8pm, and as everyone knows, darkness is rarely conducive to knowing what a place really looks and feels like.  I can say this though: The country is a lot more relaxed than Korea, with folks not feeling the pressure to dress and look perfect it seems.  Along the way, I noticed a fair amount of sheep herds as well, giving me the feeling of a mix of old and new put together.  There were many neon lights last night when we arrived in Qinhuangdao, which did not surprise me that much, and the late night street where I bought my fruit echoed similarities in my mind of memories from other countries I have visited.  I am really excited to see more of China, though nervous too, as I keep wanting to compare everything to Korea.  It will be undoubtedly hard for me to switch my mental gears.

September 1^st is a big day for me here, as well as my friend Robert in Sweden, and Mike in Korea,.  We all start school!  Robert and Mike start grad classes, and I start teaching my undergrad kids!  Crazy coincidence right?  Haha!  Honestly, I can’t even explain how much I long to step back into the classroom.  After three years of teaching almost 365 days a year, I find it interesting how much I miss teaching.  It’s not that I thought I wouldn’t, but I’m surprised at how, in the midst of being in a new country, with a new language, surrounded by new people, the physical place I am eager to get to the most is my classroom.  Guess that does make me a teacher at heart.

“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.”

My Dad wrote that on one of the daily messages he prepares for me for when I live abroad every year (Yeah, I’m a spoiled daughter!).  I read that while standing in my new kitchen here in China and found myself proudly knowing I have not let this happen to me, and will never let it do so in the future.  I don’t want to spend my life waiting, thinking, afraid- I want to jump into the deep end, be a little crazy, and try my hand at living life to the fullest.  There is no greater regret in my mind, then to never try.

Just remember, dear friends, “One of the best feelings in the world is knowing that your presence and absence both mean something to someone.”  I am beyond lucky to have both the family and friends that I do.  Thank you for loving me, missing me, and letting me go to explore this world.  Here’s to another year of adventures!

Love,
Rita

Life in the Slow Lane

Now located in Ellicot City, on the edge of a giant state park, I am surrounded by my new coworkers for the next year in China.  Sitting on the couch in the living room of the house we are doing training at for the next week, I find myself pondering many things.  Life, travel, work, friendship, and oddly enough, forgiveness.

Only about three weeks ago I left Seoul, South Korea.  My home of three years faded away behind me as the plane took off, and oddly enough, no tears slipped down my check.  I was leaving behind my best friends, along with students who I had grown to love and care for deeply, but I knew that it was right (the right time, the right circumstances, and the right choice for me).  Upon landing in Orlando, Florida, one of my best friends from college, Kendall, drove me to my home in tiny, quiet Chuluota.  I surprised my Mom and Dad (see the videos on my fb page), which has thus far been a highlight of my year.  Quickly the beauty and excitement fizzled out, and I found myself feeling disconnected.  After being around friends who I had been longing to visit with, I was unsure of how I felt, unsure of the friendship, hesitant over what topics to discuss, and experienced confusing emotions while driving away from visiting with them.  Part of the reason is because I think too much sometimes (okay, often).  It is a bad habit within me to over-analyze...well...everything.  The other, though, was a genuine disconnect. 

About one week into my visit at home, I broke down crying to my Mom, then later that night to my Dad.  Some of my friends were...difficult to nail down and spend time with, which truthfully, hurt.  I was home for only a short time, and I couldn't understand why they couldn't/wouldn't make more time.  It was a very humbling moment when I had to admit to myself that a.) I am not as important as I think I am. b) Things change.

Admitting that people could not and would not always make time for me was a hard and real life lesson placed before me.  Though I know this sounds very selfish, I don't mean it to be.  I mean this sentiment in the light of-I am here for a short time, I love you and miss you, let's spend as much time together as we can.  And this is just not a realistic possibility sometimes.

Things change.  That is something we all know (the concept that life changes) but truly knowing knowing that things change is much harder to grasp.  I was away for three years.  Now on one hand, I know that this is a very long time to be away.  On the other, it honestly did not feel like that long.  For certain parts, the months and weeks slipped by in a fashion I had forgotten was possible since high school.  The reason I state this is that, when I came home, I thought all of my friendships would be the same.  Foolishly, I assumed I could pick things up where they left off like a dusty book on a shelf.  While with old friendships I would argue that many people often can and do do just this, with younger ones, you can't.  Life moves forward, whether we want it to or not, and that exactly is what I experienced.  It was saddening to learn, but a wise experience to go through too. 

Another thing I learned while home was that not everyone you want or used to be friends with, can and should be people that you hold close to your heart as much as you might like.  It hurt a lot when I attempted to confide in a friend, and he chastised me by saying that I had two or three friends by choice, I should fake happiness and go back inside to the event we were at, and a few other things I do not care to reminisce over.  Now, he did not say these things out of spite, or to hurt me.  In fact, he was trying to help.  He simply didn't get it.  This person was an extrovert, and I am not.  Driving away that night, cursing up a storm at the people who I called friends that did not understand me, or even try to I felt, I realized that just because you want to be friends with someone, doesn't mean that you can.

After my time in Florida ended, I flew up to Washington DC.  I was to meet a friend I had only ever hung out with for three days at a dance, but had spoken with on/off for about three years while living in Korea.  We had a friendship, but it wasn't exactly best friend strong.  Not to hide the truth, I was nervous about what it would be like to spend three days hanging out with this friend again.  Low and behold, it was great.  Better than great.  We hit it off right away, better than last time, were talking non-stop until the minute I had to run for my train, and shared so many smiles and laughter, my heart was bursting by the time I left.  While some of my friends in Florida were amazing, and rejuvenated my soul and heart, sadly others detracted from it, and it ended up leaving me stressed and sad quite often.  This friend, on the other hand, did not.  Even on the day that I spent by myself and he had to work, I walked around all day with a smile on my face, and we would chit chat via text.  Riding the train out to Maryland for training, I found myself fighting back tears.  Not a single tear was shed upon leaving Korea, or leaving Florida. More than I care to admit were shed with DC.

Being able to travel, live, breathe, and not feel weighed down by guilt from people saying "Why are you still overseas?", gave me so much freedom and joy.  I came alive again.  It even got me thinking about moving to DC after my time in China, which has shocked my close friends in Korea and Thailand.  If life in DC could be similar to that, even for a fraction, there is a real chance I could be happy in America.  For a long, long time, especially after this tenuous trip with Florida, I had seriously doubted and questioned that as a possibility.

The other idea that has been floating around in my head is one of forgiveness.  When does one forgive, let go, move on, and honestly say "I know that you hurt me, but it's okay.  I don't hold any more anger towards you, and I accept your apology"?  That is something that has been sitting in the back of my head lately.  Though I have not discussed things publicly with many people, someone back in December of last year revealed a truth to me that hurt me very very deeply.  Realizing that it is August now, please understand, this truth was one that shook me to the core, and has required me a long period of time to not only digest, but also forgive myself for in my role of things.  Trying to forgive the person, and move on with my life, has been a slow process.  It takes me time to do these various things, and the bigger it is, the longer it is.  I think/hope, finally, I am moving past it.  I mention this because I can feel the desire to say "I forgive you" present, followed closely by the desire to never communicate with them again, moving on with my own life and not being bogged down by the past.  In my mind at least, desire is an important aspect of the process. 

At 10:18pm on a Friday night, I sit here next to my new coworkers.  Suzanna, the only other girl, loves almost all of the same things as me: Dr. Who, Stargate, LOtR, reading, Stitch, Marvel.  Luke and Danny I have only just begun to know, but are very friendly, welcoming, and seem like great guys.  In fact, we are all sitting in the living room, not talking, silently working on our computers, as happy as could be.  A group of four introverts- oh boy!  While watching the video introducing Suzanna and I to what will be our town, Qinhuangdao, I felt that stir of excitement swell within me.  Knowing that soon I will have to fend for myself didn't scare me, but instead it filled me with a thrill, curiosity, and an odd sort of comfort in knowing my life will be filled with the unknown again soon.  Getting to teach again (really teach too!), knowing I would have to find ways to buy fruit and veggies from farmers stalls, relearn how to see the world with Mandarin instead of Hangul, and push myself to not only survive, but thrive in a new environment, sums up some of the aspects, from small and silly to large and life altering, that I love about living overseas.  Nothing forces you to grow, change, or allows you to see how far you are really capable of going until you live abroad.  Going into year four overseas, year one in China, and I could not be more excited! 
August 21st I fly out.  Here we go!

Always,
Rita

 

 

To  all my friends who helped make this trip special, my friends who understand my roaming heart and traveling feet, who love me and have accepted me over the years, thank you.  From the bottom of my heart.  You have, do and will always, mean more to me than you will ever know.

Peaceful Mornings

It's 5:58 on my last Sunday in Seoul, and I'm struggling to sleep.  My "A/C" unit is just blowing air that I can't even feel, so the oscillating fan is keeping me on just this side of bearably cool.  Most of my things have been packed into one large suitcase, and one small one, or mailed home in one of the three previous boxes I sent.  It's still hard to believe that by this time (Korean time) next week, I will be waking up in my best friend's house and driving to my folk's house to surprise them.
(By the way, fun note, my folks think I am flying in a week after I actually am!)
This week began the goodbyes with a few friends, mostly dance related, who I have known for a long time within the swing dancing world here.  Today I am going to my last game of D & D before having a goodbye party with my best friend Robert.  He leaves not long after me, so we are sharing the greatly-hated lime-light.  Of my friends who are still here in Korea, I will be seeing them all this evening.
Strangely enough, though part of me is in a way sad, I don't actually feel sad about it.  Leaving I mean.  Don't get me wrong, I am going to miss everybody here like crazy.  For what feels like the first time in my life, I have found a place where I can not only just BE ME, but I am considered cool and fun for it.  Maybe that sounds silly to you, or you're thinking- well, phef, I have that here at home!  Life back in the States never really seemed to feel quite right to me, and I always had this nagging sensation that I was faking to fit in, at least a little, most of the time.  Not always, not with everyone, but on the whole at least, it felt like I was trying to wear a shirt a size too big, and make it look good.  That just never works.  Maybe if I returned, gave the US a second chance, things would be better a second time around, but I digress.
I keep thinking how I feel happy, and okay.  Okay, as it-not sad, lonely, upset, worried, scared, nervous, or any other negative emotion one might feel upon saying goodbye to their home of three years.  Wow.  I feel okay.  How amazingly freeing it is to know that, the time has come to finally say goodbye to Korea.  For years, I fought to stay, now, I am ready to let go (DON'T start singing that damned Frozen song!  >.<)  All of my best friends have moved on, or will be soon.  Sam, my first best friend here, is now in Thailand.  Robert leaves for Finland and grad school about a week and half after me, and Mike will return to the States next year.  It's time, and the simple fact that my heart is able to say okay, with a soft smile knowing that this is right, is what keeps me from crying and grants me peace every night when I go to sleep.  It's one of the best feelings in the world.
Turning away from the now and looking forward to the later, I am also beyond excited for the change approaching!  CHINA!  China is a place I have wanted to visit for years, and I am finally going!  I remember being in 1st and 2nd grade, up through middle school even, and seeing my Dad fly to China, returning home late at night a week later. He'd always have a gift for me, something new from this foreign Asian land, and not only my home, but my world (food, my Dad's coworkers I'd met, etc) was filled by China.  I spent two semesters studying the history, culture and religions during college as well, adding to my desire of seeing this hugely powerful and ancient nation.  Yes, I know, it is not perfect, and there are many people who have issues with the policies.  To me, right now in my life, it is not so much China in reality, but the China I will be a part of (professor at a university, surrounded by students who want to learn, working with people who have a strong passion and conviction in actually doing the right things in life and supporting each other) that I am more than eager to dive into.  It is what I need for this time in my life, and I can feel that I will be happy there.  And happiness is the most important thing to me.  What is life without it?
I'm sorry it's been so long since I've last written.  I love you all, and hope you enjoyed this brief view into what's going inside my crazy mind at the moment. 
To my friends in Korea/Asia, I am going to miss you more than words will ever allow me to express.  To my friends in the States, I will be seeing you soon, get ready for some major hugs.
Love,
Always,
Rita

 

 Back: Sujin, Nuri
Front: Minji, Jiji

 Nuri, Sujin, & Jiji

 

 

 Yoogin

Kathy

 Sean

Omar

 Mike and Robert

 

 

 

Robert

 Sam

 

Anguk, at my exact favorite spot in the entire city.

Left, or Right?

Thursday morning I woke up and expected my day to be just like any other: roll out of bed, groggily move some stuff around, and finish editing round two on my first grad school thesis.  What I didn't expect was the conversation which took place only an hour or two later. 

After nearly three years of living overseas, I have become accustomed to gaining and losing friendships over time. When someone I used to be friends with before leaving Florida contacted me only a few weeks ago, I will admit- I was surprised.  Hearing from them, after barely holding more than 3 or 4 brief conversations in the past three years, felt out of the blue and sudden.  A lot has happened in their life, and it seems they are now able to be the friend they had wanted to be before, but couldn't.  This makes me happy, yet has presented its own difficulties as well ironically.  I say this due to the fact that, after one conversation with this person, it feels as though my entire world has been shifted, and I am readjusting my view on things I hadn't thought to question in years.  All because of one conversation.

. . .

What is so special about the way they spoke which has made me think about things, things which no one else has made me even stop to consider before now?  

My Dad has practically begged me for years, my friends regularly asking, when will I return to the States?  Every year, my answer is the same- maybe next year, maybe next year.  I used excuse after excuse to not return home.  I blamed the economy to start, as it is the easiest thing to point to.  Then at other times I'd turn to writings like this: http://www.nomadicmatt.com/travel-blogs/everyone-say-im-running-away/ as a shield against naysayers to what I've been doing, the life I've been leading.  (Which, to some extent, I feel a kinship with this idea of running TO the world, instead of just fitting into the perfect little boxes society expects of us.)  Everyone called me brave, for stepping away from the mold and living a life in another country.  They applauded what I did, envied it from afar, and told me repeatedly how luck I was to have such an opportunity.  So to some degree, all of my reasons were real, had a valid foundation to them.  What I didn't want to admit to myself though, was that I needed convincing of all of it too. 

In the deep recesses of my heart, if I am really honest with myself, I have begun to feel like an outcast from my own country, as though I don't belong in America anymore, and couldn't fit in anywhere.  There is a fear that keeps me from speaking those words out loud and allowing them to pass through my lips.  How does one admit such a weakness to themselves, let alone to others?

While catching up over skype, my friend and I talked about our lives.  We updated each other on what had happened in the time span since we last really spoke.  There was so much, yet surprisingly little, that had occured.  (Isn't that always how it seems to go too?)  At one point, they asked why I was overseas, why I wasn't coming back yet.  I told them I wanted to feel special, different, and coming back would take that away from me.  Remove the one thing I had to hold up and say, "See, I am not invisible or the same as everyone else".  It was their singular response to my statement that hit me like a ton of bricks out of the clear blue:
It's not living overseas that makes me special, it's just me being me that makes me special. 
For some reason, hearing them say that, in a way which told me- hey, this is a genuine response being spoken without any thinking required- struck me and resounded within louder than I can even begin to explain.

A long time in the making, it only seems fit that I start facing some of the internal demons that I came to Korea to deal with originally.  Why did I need to go to abroad to feel special, and not invisible?  Why do I run away when I feel truly afraid?  Why wasn't I able to find myself back in America?  Why have I always felt like my parents daughter, or my brothers helper, and not me-Rita?  And why do I think I will lose everything that makes me unique if I return?  These are questions that have been playing through my mind for the past 48 hours now.  I'm starting to face them for the first time, and wow, it's hard.  Even the idea of simply returning to America is hard.  I've been living overseas for three years now as an expat; three years of being surrounded by a different culture, living within a foreign society, eating another country's food, and living a life most people will never experience.  Returning to everything I know, not only terrifies me, but seems boring. . .

It is topics like this one that I am working on addressing, trying to find the right answers to, if there are right answers.  I'd like to share an excerpt from our conversation with you.  My friend is 1, I am 2.

1. There are two reasons that people don't know you. 1. You purposefully hide behind a wall, not wanting to show yourself, and 2. People don't look. I mean, they look, but never really look at people for who they are, and what is so beautiful about them at their deepest recesses. And Rita, I mean it when I say there is something I see in you. You hide it deep, but you are so beautiful, people just don't look.

2. Of course I hide things deep. I struggle with depression, feel anxious and worried far more then I have ever let one, am terrified that everyone I care about will forget about me. Why wouldn't I hide?

1. Because the people who do see you, have never, nor will ever forget about it. I could never forget about you as long as I live. I have VERY happy memories of you. They don't fade. I hold onto them, and wont let them go. I don't want to forget.  I regret losing you as a friend the first time.  Just don't keep running, or I am afraid you will be running your whole life.

(After a little more conversation)

1. All I can say, is that the answer is not out there... it's not a place you can find, or something found by getting as far away as possible from the last problem that failed.  Maybe, just maybe you can think about resting on the shoulders of some people who want to be there for you.

As time has flowed on, I know that just like the rest of the world, I too have changed.  It's been hard, adjusting to the different life I have here, one I fought for so long to create.  Giving it up terrifies me in many ways, especially with nothing to return to in America.  (Though logically I know this isn't true, as I have friends and family there who love me)  Really, I feel like the States is just as big of a risk to take as Korea was back in 2011, and for the first time in three years, I'm honestly considering the idea of if America is the country worth risking it all for this time, instead of Korea. 

Thanks for following this rabbit hole mind wandering.

Much love,

Rita

Life Update

The greatest mystery in this world, in my opinion, is life.  Granted, this is my opinion, and I will openly and easily admit that there are any number of things that we as humans still do not understand.  Yet I know, for me, the greatest of them is this.  How is it that we think we can know so much of what we are supposed to do, how we are supposed to act, the way things are supposed to go, and then meet one person or go through a single experience, and all of that gets turned on its head?  Kind of amazing, and crazy, if you think about it.
While walking home tonight, I had a million thoughts running through my head, all of them chattering away at each other like it was an open floor debate among the 435 House members in the United States government.  They just wouldn't be quiet.  When I sit down to write or type them out though, they all start stuttering like a cute guy has just walked into the room, and they don't know what to do with themselves.  Thanks brain, you're very helpful.  Even now, I have been sitting at my keyboard for about 3 minutes trying to figure out what it is I want to say next.  Speaking has just always been a little hard for me, especially when it comes to revealing my inner thoughts and emotions.
Life has been...difficult lately.  It's had it's ups and downs, but the phasing between the two has been dramatic and sudden at times, feeling like a roller coaster that jerks you around a bit too hard.
I bought my plan ticket home, and have officially begun the count down to when I leave.  It's hard to swallow really, after three years in this country.  I fought for so long to leave, to get out, that now that it is happening, I find myself surprised.  In a way, I guess I wasn't sure it ever really would.  The exact date of my arrival will remain quiet though, as I hope to surprise my folks by arriving "early", one small thing that has been able to make me smile this weekend when I find myself becoming too serious.  While I am happy to see everyone, the idea of leaving this place is difficult at best.  I am leaving some of my best friends, and the place that holds all of my memories with them.  No longer will I be able to walk down the old familiar roads and remember happier times, or visit the places that were meaningful.  Once I leave, they are gone to me until/unless I am able to visit Korea again.  There is something so...final about it all that makes my heart clench in sadness, cause my throat to close tighter, and my eyes to get watery with tears. 
There are good things that have happened too, don't misunderstand.  I am almost done with my first thesis, a very exciting fact to me really.  I could tell you the topic, but it would sound overly detailed and complicated (which, if it's not, let's be honest, it's not a real grad school thesis anyways).  As my friend O asked after I shared what it was, "So has it been approved, or are the advisers still reading it?"  Basically it's about Korea's English Education system, and globalization, and a bunch of other unnecessary detailed stuff added on to make it sound unique and special.
The only other exciting news that has happened in my life lately is that my brother competed in Special Olympics State Competition for track and field.  He took part in the 50 meter run and shot put categories, receiving 2nd and 6th respectively.  Yeah, I felt like a proud sister when I got that email.
I find it hard to not doubt things, or people, quite frequently.  They can be a best friend who has been by my side for years, and even now I will wonder if they mean what they say, or find myself questioning them unfairly.  It's something I really need to work on, and a topic I just don't feel like getting into tonight. 
Right now, I miss so many people, and find it hard to feel alright.  My faith that all will be okay remains strong, I just wish I knew what "okay" meant.

Rita