Left, or Right?

Thursday morning I woke up and expected my day to be just like any other: roll out of bed, groggily move some stuff around, and finish editing round two on my first grad school thesis.  What I didn't expect was the conversation which took place only an hour or two later. 

After nearly three years of living overseas, I have become accustomed to gaining and losing friendships over time. When someone I used to be friends with before leaving Florida contacted me only a few weeks ago, I will admit- I was surprised.  Hearing from them, after barely holding more than 3 or 4 brief conversations in the past three years, felt out of the blue and sudden.  A lot has happened in their life, and it seems they are now able to be the friend they had wanted to be before, but couldn't.  This makes me happy, yet has presented its own difficulties as well ironically.  I say this due to the fact that, after one conversation with this person, it feels as though my entire world has been shifted, and I am readjusting my view on things I hadn't thought to question in years.  All because of one conversation.

. . .

What is so special about the way they spoke which has made me think about things, things which no one else has made me even stop to consider before now?  

My Dad has practically begged me for years, my friends regularly asking, when will I return to the States?  Every year, my answer is the same- maybe next year, maybe next year.  I used excuse after excuse to not return home.  I blamed the economy to start, as it is the easiest thing to point to.  Then at other times I'd turn to writings like this: http://www.nomadicmatt.com/travel-blogs/everyone-say-im-running-away/ as a shield against naysayers to what I've been doing, the life I've been leading.  (Which, to some extent, I feel a kinship with this idea of running TO the world, instead of just fitting into the perfect little boxes society expects of us.)  Everyone called me brave, for stepping away from the mold and living a life in another country.  They applauded what I did, envied it from afar, and told me repeatedly how luck I was to have such an opportunity.  So to some degree, all of my reasons were real, had a valid foundation to them.  What I didn't want to admit to myself though, was that I needed convincing of all of it too. 

In the deep recesses of my heart, if I am really honest with myself, I have begun to feel like an outcast from my own country, as though I don't belong in America anymore, and couldn't fit in anywhere.  There is a fear that keeps me from speaking those words out loud and allowing them to pass through my lips.  How does one admit such a weakness to themselves, let alone to others?

While catching up over skype, my friend and I talked about our lives.  We updated each other on what had happened in the time span since we last really spoke.  There was so much, yet surprisingly little, that had occured.  (Isn't that always how it seems to go too?)  At one point, they asked why I was overseas, why I wasn't coming back yet.  I told them I wanted to feel special, different, and coming back would take that away from me.  Remove the one thing I had to hold up and say, "See, I am not invisible or the same as everyone else".  It was their singular response to my statement that hit me like a ton of bricks out of the clear blue:
It's not living overseas that makes me special, it's just me being me that makes me special. 
For some reason, hearing them say that, in a way which told me- hey, this is a genuine response being spoken without any thinking required- struck me and resounded within louder than I can even begin to explain.

A long time in the making, it only seems fit that I start facing some of the internal demons that I came to Korea to deal with originally.  Why did I need to go to abroad to feel special, and not invisible?  Why do I run away when I feel truly afraid?  Why wasn't I able to find myself back in America?  Why have I always felt like my parents daughter, or my brothers helper, and not me-Rita?  And why do I think I will lose everything that makes me unique if I return?  These are questions that have been playing through my mind for the past 48 hours now.  I'm starting to face them for the first time, and wow, it's hard.  Even the idea of simply returning to America is hard.  I've been living overseas for three years now as an expat; three years of being surrounded by a different culture, living within a foreign society, eating another country's food, and living a life most people will never experience.  Returning to everything I know, not only terrifies me, but seems boring. . .

It is topics like this one that I am working on addressing, trying to find the right answers to, if there are right answers.  I'd like to share an excerpt from our conversation with you.  My friend is 1, I am 2.

1. There are two reasons that people don't know you. 1. You purposefully hide behind a wall, not wanting to show yourself, and 2. People don't look. I mean, they look, but never really look at people for who they are, and what is so beautiful about them at their deepest recesses. And Rita, I mean it when I say there is something I see in you. You hide it deep, but you are so beautiful, people just don't look.

2. Of course I hide things deep. I struggle with depression, feel anxious and worried far more then I have ever let one, am terrified that everyone I care about will forget about me. Why wouldn't I hide?

1. Because the people who do see you, have never, nor will ever forget about it. I could never forget about you as long as I live. I have VERY happy memories of you. They don't fade. I hold onto them, and wont let them go. I don't want to forget.  I regret losing you as a friend the first time.  Just don't keep running, or I am afraid you will be running your whole life.

(After a little more conversation)

1. All I can say, is that the answer is not out there... it's not a place you can find, or something found by getting as far away as possible from the last problem that failed.  Maybe, just maybe you can think about resting on the shoulders of some people who want to be there for you.

As time has flowed on, I know that just like the rest of the world, I too have changed.  It's been hard, adjusting to the different life I have here, one I fought for so long to create.  Giving it up terrifies me in many ways, especially with nothing to return to in America.  (Though logically I know this isn't true, as I have friends and family there who love me)  Really, I feel like the States is just as big of a risk to take as Korea was back in 2011, and for the first time in three years, I'm honestly considering the idea of if America is the country worth risking it all for this time, instead of Korea. 

Thanks for following this rabbit hole mind wandering.

Much love,

Rita