I need Clarity

"I need clarity and truth to be
And peace to make me whole
I want freedom to come and hate to be done
And love to guide my soul

I want love, yeah, I want love"
From Shawn McDonald's song Clarity

It's my last day here in Cambodia, and I'm at a loss of what to do with myself.  I don't want to face the fact that I'm going to be leaving honestly, I love it here.  The heat, humidity, nature all around- it makes me so very happy.  It feels comfortable here, and thinking about going back to Seoul where everything is buildings and I get excited on the occasions that I see grass (because they are so rare) makes me sad.  I realize being here that I don't feel at home there.  I feel unhappy and lonely.  I feel more happy here, and I think I need to look into that.
Next year I may end up teaching in China if I am lucky/blessed.  The program is a special one, and while I can't say much about the specifics, I can say this:  the idea of having a community again, one where everyone believes in the same thing and hold similar beliefs, is something I will look forward to greatly.  I long for a community, a fellowship, with others.  I need that connection more dearly and desperately then I can explain.  Without it, I am floating, lost in a sea of temptation and fear.
Yesterday I was talking with a friend.  I joked that I wished their state was closer to mine, so that we could hang out for a day while I am home.  He said he couldn't afford to fly down or take the time to drive either, but reminded me that I do have a free round trip ticket I could use.  Before I knew it, I was looking up flights and options.  After he left for bed, I went up to my room, turned out my tv, and chilled out for the night.  I found myself getting giddy with anticipation, and doing the funny thing I do whenever I have tons of excitement.  Then I stopped- I was feeling this way over the idea of seeing him.  Him.  I couldn't help but bury my face into my pillow and begin to wonder why.  Why, after so long, did I still feel this way?  I can't understand myself and my ever persistent desire to see this man every chance I have.  It doesn't make any logical sense to me, especially considering that I know the actual odds of us ending up together are less then 5% in reality.  I plan on continuing to work abroad for at least another year, possibly three more.  Studying for a graduate degree in DC before hopefully working there.  My life is taking me around the world and his isn't.  Yet I still find myself caving in and running to him whenever he suggests the opportunity to.  Why God, can I not be satisfied with my life of solitude?  Why do I push away and turn down a man who WANTS to be in my life?  Why can I not be satisfied with this man who adores me, is there for me at ever request, who cares for me like crazy instead of the one who doesn't?  Why instead do I desire someone else?  Especially someone who leaves me hurting and in pain after every encounter?  What is wrong with me, and why do I do this to myself?  I wish I could understand.  I left the US to find myself, to heal, to strengthen my relationship with God.  I realize now that I am only just beginning.  It was take a lot of time and many, many screw-ups before I reach my final goal of being close to God, talking with Him on a daily basis, and turning to Him in everything I do.
I hope I can find the right path.  Please pray for me as I continue on this walk of learning and faith.  I need all the guidance I can get.
Contemplative,
Rita