The Road Not Taken

Last night over a plate of fried chicken, I enjoyed a long conversation with one of my closest friends here in Korea about life.  Through the cigarette smoke and sound of k-pop in the background, we shared our plans for the future and philosophy on life.
My interest in joining the Peace Corps had been reignited by this woman and I revealed my long term plans to her.  While others I'm sure would laugh or say my dreams are impossible, she didn't.  I shared that after my time in China, I want to go home for 6 months before joining the Peace Corps working in either Cambodia or Africa.  After that, I'd pursue my masters in the US before venturing back out to work/live in either Cambodia or Africa (choosing the one I wasn't placed at with the P.C.).  I'd then end by living in Europe for a year or two.  She confirmed that by that time, I'd be about 30, to which I laughed and said "yup".  She laughed saying she didn't have that kind of time, but was honest saying that she still felt called to live in the world, especially Africa.  For her, she's returning to Canada to only save money, not to resume her previous life.  We agreed that life is better lived alone of the world than married and never of the world.  A half life at home is a fate worse then death, though we do both long to share our adventures with a husband and family.  A mediocre life in the West or an adventure filled life out there, in the wide unknown world?  Which would you want?  In the past three months, I've traveled to two countries, and begun planning my move to a third country.  I would rather experience this over a regular teaching job any day. 
As our conversation progressed, I confided in my friend how out of place I felt in the beginning.  I would look at all my friends back home, seeing them follow the traditional path of school, job family, etc.  While here I am, off in the dense woods where there is no path, searching with binoculars just to find some high ground.  She laughed and said she felt the same way.  I said I wouldn't change this for the world though, and she agreed whole-heartedly.  Even with the first six months feeling like a living hell with my depression sometimes, she said "Well, no.  That's why we're here right?"  I love how well she gets it.
Despite our desire to find love, we both agreed that we'd rather end up a single mother adopting from Africa then married and tethered to somewhere that makes us unhappy.  Just makes me wonder what causes some people to long to spend years from their home country, while others are so happy to stay put?  Where do the differences come from?  Is there some sort of genetic predisposition that sets people like my friends and I apart?  A gene that creates this need, longing, desire, to roam the world?  Is it an environmental thing?  Something our parents instilled in us?  Is it a cultural thing?  Though this I doubt, as my two closest friends here, who both want to live of the world, are from Canada and South Africa, while I'm from the US.  I'm just curious as to where it comes from.  I once dated a man, and as much as I loved him with all my heart, there was always a few things we could never agree on.  One was his lack of a desire to leave his hometown.  I simply was never able to wrap my mind around this fact.  How could someone not want to travel, see the world?  At the time, living abroad had never entered my mind beyond college though.  My mind had not considered this idea yet.  It wasn't something I knew I could even do until I saw a girl I was friends with do it herself here in Korea for 2 years.  All the sudden, my mind had stretched to a new level.  I could live abroad for a year, and be payed to do it!  Then, my mind was stretched again- what if I continued living abroad, joining organizations or companies I support, to work for them for a year or two?  Once I asked myself this question, pondered the possibilities, realized that I could, in fact, do it and had the strength for it, I changed forever.

"Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions."
~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Before I knew it, I was looking at teaching in China, volunteering in India, living/volunteering in Cambodia, teaching in Africa and Europe over the span of 4 years.  Staying in the US, when chances and opportunities lingered in front of me like unanswered prayers to become the strong, independent, secure, brave and beautiful woman I always longed to be: how could I ever, in a million years, consider passing them up without at least trying for them?  I feel like I was made of a different cloth than most.  Maybe that sounds like I'm bragging or have a big head, but I swear I don't.  (ask anyone who's known me for a few years, and they'll tell you how quiet I am about things I do and don't talk about myself much).  I just feel different from most of my friends.  yes, they want to travel, but very few I know actually long to live overseas.  If they do, less than half pursue the opportunities that are there to do so.  (In fact, only two of my friends from before Korea have pursued jobs overseas)  I don't blame them- it can be damn hard living overseas.  You're lonely, it hurts, you miss birthdays, events and spend holidays alone half the time.  You will cry your heart out at least once, no matter who you are.  I don't want to just live overseas though, I want to give back.  I can't wait for next year, when I'll get to spread the bible in China!  And then the thought of volunteering at Mother Teresa's House for the dying in Calcutta India is both amazing and terrifying to me that I can't wait to jump in!  And then dedicating myself for two years to teaching students and developing communities somewhere in Cambodia or Africa?  I could die from joy and happiness at the thought!  On the outside at first, I appear shy, sarcastic, and serious.  But ask those who've known me for a long time and they'll tell you that I act like a mother to most, and have a very soft heart.  I was made to love.  And if loving the world means serving the world until I die, then I would do so happily.  Life is about more than money, security and comfort of the known.  Sometimes it's about change,  fear, leaps of faith, trying and failing and just living.
I do want to say though, that while I feel one is wrong for me, that doesn't mean that it's wrong for everyone.  There are people who need to stay home, develop the home country and live there.  Someone has to keep the porch light burning for those of us who leave for distant lands, that way we can remember how to get home.  It's not that it's the wrong path for everyone, just the wrong path for me.
Sometimes I really miss friends back home, and long to join them having fun or going on their adventures.  The sadness eats at me, and I usually struggle with doubts of being forgotten at least once a week honestly.  But I am learning how to battle the demons within, conquer my doubts and find happiness in the life I've created for myself.  The secret, I've realized is allowing Korea to become my new home and creating a life for myself here.  I have to stop thinking that it's a temporary thing.  Once I did this, filled my schedule with things to do, I immediately noticed a difference.  I began to feel different.  My happiness increased, and my depression decreased.  I found myself smiling more and frowning less, my heart started shining more frequently and sinking in sadness less.  It's taken me longer than most folks (no surprise there as I have always been a late bloomer), but I did it.  It took me leaving the US, finding a route through the dense forest, and climbing a crazy mountain before I got to a clearing at the top that  I realized I wasn't alone.  But I'm doing it.  And I'm doing it with girls who were cut from the same cloth as me.
What kind of cloth are you made from?
The Tortoise,
Rita

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.