For a long time now, I have been wanting to write a post. I simply haven't known what to write about. One minute I have a great idea, but then the next day once I finally have the time, either the idea is gone or I have lost the energy. About three weeks ago now I flew home after a year of being away. It was everything I wanted, and more in some ways. There were moments of feeling absolutely infinite: standing on an ocean beach, waves crashing over my feet, lightning dancing across the sky, best friend by my side. Times where I could be me, and I was considered cool for it. Walking down a trail with my oldest friend, talking about life and being able to say everything without hesitation. Dancing under the moon in a fountain to B.B.King on his birthday after going park hopping all over the city. I was the "long lost friend" home from around the world; the girl folks would meet and go "Wow, you live in Korea?! What's it like?" Same questions, same looks of surprise, same comments every time. To be honest, it's gotten old. And it hurts- a lot. Going home is comforting, yet alienating; joyful, yet sad, easy, yet oh so hard. No one at home, unless they have been an expat, really understands why I am always so sad while back in the states. But unless you have felt the excitement of saying hello to someone you see once a year, then realized a few hours later at the end of your time together, that it will be another year (or more) before you see them again- I'm afraid I cannot explain the roller coaster ride that one's heart goes through. Nothing is more painful to me, aside from losing a loved one or friend.
After returning to Korea, I made the mental decision to not go home again unless it was for something important (i.e.-wedding, funeral, etc). I haven't really told anyone this, and I don't know if anyone will see this from back home, but I have. I can't stand the pain of being there anymore, it's too hard. If you want to see me, you know where to find me.
I find myself sitting here, 1 in the morning, unable to sleep. This year has been hard, and I am ready for it to be over already. Losing one best friend to distance, another to a break up, starting graduate school, being so poor I couldn't afford food sometimes, and just struggling to realize that I am not who my ex said I was at our break up, have all taken punches at my heart and spirit, making it hard for me to smile throughout a lot of this year. Before my trip, I also pushed myself- hard- to finish grad school assignments that were due while I was home. I did 7 weeks worth of work in 4. I was pulling about 60-70 hour weeks for four weeks straight. Now, sitting on the other side, with just two assignments left in total, I find my brain unable to function almost at all. I am beyond tired, to the point of not really feeling anything. Though it should worry me, it doesn't. I know I'll finish, I just won't be stellar. And you know what? I'm okay with that.
I've never been good with words, or people. Though I enjoy learning about humans, and observe them all the time, I just can't seem to find the words to express what's on my mind to them. I wish I could. I want to. I simply can't. I guess, just know that I love every one of you, and despite disappearing sometimes, please believe me when I say that you are always on my mind and in my heart.
Always,
Rita
Update: And now, at 2am, I am finally going to sleep. After writing about 600 words for my final paper in one class, I figure I have exhausted my brain enough to finally close my eyes. Now to sleep for a few hours, wake up, write about 600 words more ( it must be 2500 words in total), and then go into work for a full day of teaching. Oh, what an exciting life I lead. (<-sarcasm)
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