I guess this is where the catch 22 comes into play- we only know a moment is perfect after the fact really. Very rarely do we know the true depth of what a single moment will mean while it is occurring.
Last year was very hard for me. I was broken up with, rather suddenly and coldly to be honest, said goodbye to a best friend who left Korea, struggled with finances through graduate school, was living below the poverty line really for a while, said goodbye to another friend, and then found out I was lied to by someone I trusted. It was a long year, and I'm only now beginning to regain my strength.
It wasn't all bad, don't get me wrong. I completed an entire year of graduate school, paying for it by myself the whole way. That gave me a huge sense of accomplishment that nothing can take away. I began volunteering with some pretty awesome kids out in Ilsan, who I have come to love dearly. At some point I also was able to visit home for my Dad's birthday. It was the greatest gift I could have given him, and it gave me a chance to get away from everything in Korea. One of my two "perfect" moments during the year 2013 were from that trip. I'd like to share one with you now.
I flew out on a Saturday evening. Living on the east coast of the US makes traveling back to the States a long and arduous trip. My flight departed somewhere around 5:30pm, with an expected finality in my neck of Florida around 10:30pm after a short layover in San Fran. My layover was delayed multiple times, until finally it was changed entirely. Before my trip, I had been working double time in grad school to finish before my trip, to make sure I would have no work while home. The exhaustion, mental and physical, was starting to get to me, I was fighting a cold, and felt irritated that I had made it half way back home only to wind up stuck in Cali. Don't get me wrong, I love Cali, but it sure as heck ain't home. Landing at 2 o'clock in the morning on Sunday, I felt tired from my travels, exhausted from school, and emotionally over-stimulated at seeing my Dad after a year away.
After so long of trying to stand tall on my own, I ran straight into my fathers arms, hugging him for the better part of a minute, letting the crowd flow around us like rushing water in a river.
That same day, I joined my family for church before attempting to enjoy lunch at a Mexican place. After leaving, I met up with my oldest friend who I have known for 13 years or so now, A, and her boyfriend, A. We walked, talked, and just enjoyed each other's company. I told her everything in complete trust, and she me. As our time drew near, I said goodbye outside of Steak and Shake where we had been.
Turning away from saying goodbye, I prepared to say hello again to another dear friend. Waiting, standing just as eagerly, nervously and anxiously as I felt, was my friend A. A and I met at a swing dance exchange in South Carolina, and though I noticed him for his seriousness, he noticed me for my smiling. After leaving for South Korea, he reached out to me. Our friendship grew into a strong bond that still exists today. He doesn't speak much, which works great, since I don't always know what to say and just need someone to be company with. A goes with the flow, likes to be a bit crazy, and couldn't care less what people think. Mostly, I am usually the opposite or more toned down. Yet somehow, our friendship balances out. When we hugged, it felt amazing. Being reunited with my best friend, feeling him wrap his arms around me in comfort, knowing that all of my fears and doubts that he, unlike so many other friends back home, had in fact never forgotten about me for one second, equated to a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders. In fact, he missed me just as much as I missed him. We walked to his car, he asked where I wanted to go, and I told him, "I don't care where I go, or what I do, I just want to spend time with you in person." So off we went, me not knowing our final destination, him playing some music in the background, leaving everything behind as we drove down the road.
I slipped my shoes off, curled up for the beautiful ride through wild Florida everglades, and bounced between staring out the window and poking fun at him to make him smile. About 45 min later, we pull into a parking spot, both of us slipping our shoes off, and walk towards the beach. He lays a blanket down for us while I roll my pants up. I walk out to the ocean edge, close my eyes, and breath in the open air. When I open them, I see the expanse of blue before me, feel the sand below my feet, watch the storm clouds play lightening across the sky on the horizon, and turn to my left. There, right by my side, is my best friend A. In that moment, I felt infinite, perfect, whole, accepted, loved, and calm. I hadn't felt that way since my boyfriend broke up with me and my whole world came crashing down. It brought me such peace to experience that after so long. Having him there, not needing to speak, knowing that someone sees me, cares, and will stand by my side while I take as long as I need to breath, brought me such comfort.
I'm not sure why I feel like talking about these things, and I'm not sure where I am going with this. As my coworker has helped me to learn, sometimes we need to talk just to be heard. So here I am, being heard by whoever reads this.
This next year will present more struggles for me. I have started the third of four semesters for graduate school, will be leaving Korea (and with it, my family of friends I have come to love and cherish dearly), moving to China, and starting my next adventure.
Saying more hello's.
Whispering and hugging more goodbye's.
2013 was the hardest year of my personal life. I've been through many hard years with my family due to medical issues relating to my brother, but for me personally, that was my worst. Though this year will be equally difficult in some regards, I know that if I survived last year, I can get through this one too.
"Do not turn away, through cowardice, from despair. Go through, pass beyond . . . on the other side of the tunnel, you will find light again." ~Andrew Gide
Sometimes bad things have to happen to us, and we need to live through the difficult moments that life presents us, but it doesn't mean that that is all life holds either. The bad moments can build up, weigh us down, at times feeling like it's trying to pull us under the tide. What makes it even more difficult is that, for each bad moment, we need seven good ones just to balance it. Balance- not outweigh it. Pretty scary when you think about it.
I have found though, that sometimes, a single good moment can be powerful enough to take away from the bad. One moment may be small, and appear incapable of great things; but often it is the unsuspecting and quiet moments that can yield the greatest strength.
That moment was merely a drop in the ocean, but honestly I know, it was the drop I needed that kept me sane, happy, whole, and from wanting to give up.
What moments have been the saving drop for you?
Always,
Rita
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