It was high school, my senior year, and yearbooks had just arrived. Like everyone on campus, I was enjoying carrying around the huge book, having all of my friends sign it, and attempting to not compare how much emptier my book always seemed then all of the others around me. During one of my classes, I can't remember which one, my best friend wrote her message to me. She asked me not to read it till after class, so I said okay not thinking much about it. When I finally did take a peek, I realized why. She had written how she hadn't wanted to be friends with me in the beginning, and had actually tried to push me away. We are still friends to this day, and I consider her my closest friend over any other, but man did it hurt to read that. From someone who I thought had always enjoyed the friendship as much as me, it came as huge surprise to learn that she felt different.
Fast forward about 5 years. I have graduated college, moved back home and was out one night with swing dancers from the local scene. As I was still new, I didn't have any friends at the scene yet and was invited by someone randomly. The guy who invited me out sat next to me, and he is just a giant teddy bear of a sweet guy. He told me that, after he first meet me, he thought I didn't like him and was a mean person. It took someone else who, though he didn't know me either, to explain that I am just a shy and nervous person, for him to understand. I walked away a second time feeling confused and sad.
Though I have other examples in my life of when people I thought were my friends later reveal that they didn't like me when they first meet me, or didn't want to be friends with me, and it still hurts just as much as the first time.
I know I am a hard person to be friends with sometimes. Being stubborn, bluntly honest, quiet, sarcastic, and often very poor with explaining my thoughts or emotions, it makes it hard for people to get along with me or even like me sometimes. Add to this that I am an introvert, and you have a wonderful combination of hard personality traits to take in.
Being an introvert in a world where three out of four people are extroverts makes living life hard sometimes. Introverts are often misunderstood, seen as weird, freaks, or mean people who prefer to live in their own little world rather than see sunlight. Everyone could not be more wrong.
I am tired of being misunderstood, viewed as a mean or angry woman, or avoided by people because they think I am a boring, straight-laced, whatever little girl! I am just tired of it! Friends tell me to only hang out with those who want to be my friends, but let me ask you this: How do you know who wants to be your friend if those you think are your friends hide the truth that they find you difficult or not fun to be around? How is one to know the difference? I sure as hell don't! Just grow up and be honest- if you don't like me, then say so. It is much easier for me to handle if you tell me that up front and in the beginning than later on in the friendship. Otherwise, I start to think the whole friendship was a lie.
And you know what? So what if I know where I am going in life? You don't? That's fine, I won't judge you- I have numerous friends who are trying to find their way, and I don't judge them. But stop being angry at me because you are mad/scared that you can't be the same!
You're right, I don't drink alcohol that often. You think that's weird or makes me boring? Then you're a fucking idiot. If you aren't able to have fun on your own without the aid of another substance, then I pity you. I just happen to have enough fun sober, that the addition of alcohol is not needed. Will I drink? Yes. When with friends who I trust, absolutely. I just don't really see the point all the time.
You're scared or intimidated by the fact that I have morals or ethics that are strong and clearly defined? Get over yourself and grow a pair. Knowing what I believe, having a sense of right from wrong, is the only way I keep this world in check. Somebody has to know when to say no, otherwise our world would be run by idiots who think doing stupid shit all the time is great.
Either be my friend or don't. Either be there, care, and want to hang out with me, or don't. It is as simple as that. Don't half-ass it, fake it, or lie to me. I will find out, and I will not be quick to forgive you. I have little patience for people who deceive me, and if you don't like the way that I am, then you can shove it.
Always,
Me.
Seoul, South Korea
Monday, July 15, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Crossroads
Days flow into nights, week days flow into weekends, and suddenly I find myself sitting at my computer and realizing that I have completed my first semester of graduate school. Not only this, but I have been single for about five months now. Sometimes I find it hard to grasp the way in which the past few months have flown by, like fall leaves on a brisk winter day. I blinked and they were gone from my sight. The first two didn't go without a struggle of course, but with each passing week, they seem to go by faster.
In the down time between my semesters at graduate school, I find myself contemplating life, as I'm apt to. I feel like I was born with a thinking cap on my head. No matter the time of day, or what I am doing, my brain never turns off or stops working. In messaging someone I know through swing dancing, I was able to contact a peace corps member who applied for the Peace Corps while living overseas. For those of you who don't know, I have wanted to apply to the peace corps for at least three years now. It has been put off for various reasons, ranging from a significant other, to fear of committing for 2+ years to a country, or having life things get in the way. The kind stranger informed me that I could indeed apply to the peace corps while living abroad, it would just take longer. Approximately a year and a half's time, as compared to the six months to one year they describe on the website. I plan on being finished in S.K. in about a year and a half's time.
All the sudden, I find myself walking home from a long day at work, with a major decision I wasn't expecting to face for at least another year, sitting in front of me.
I don't know about you, but when things are weighing on my mind as heavily as this is, I find it very difficult to function. Walking in the door, though I was in my apartment, I felt lost and unsure. My mind swallowed me up and wouldn't let me leave for about half an hour as it took this piece of information and tried to understand what to do with it- like an infant with a new toy. As girls are want to do, I messaged two close friends to talk it out with them. As the Christian that I am, I also messaged a friend to pray with me while I laid my worries before Him as well.
See, in the core of my heart, I know where I am meant to go. Fear is holding me back from wanting to take the plunge yet. Though not for the reasons you might be thinking.
Last time I tried to follow what it was God wanted from me, what I thought he was calling me to, which was teaching in China. I still believe with all my heart that he wanted me to go there. For whatever reason, He changed His mind and said no. In a very resounding and loud way. (See this blog entry if you want the full story: Embrace the Change Blog Entry)
I'm afraid that if follow this path, I will be rejected again, with something as equally painful and terrifying. Though I know that this is rather silly sounding, especially from someone as logical as me, I can't help it. There were times during the first few months where I would have full on flash backs to that health scare, and even now I am still learning about how AGEP has affected my skin. I watch it like a hawk, and am aware of everything that happens to it. It wasn't a one time health blip- it was a life changer.
What if this isn't the right direction, as much as I want it to be? What if God doesn't want me there? What if I screw up or fail the community I am placed with to help? What if I let people down? I want so desperately to get lost in the world, to truly help others and do more than just sit back and relax. I want to get my hands dirty, learn another language, spend time getting to know people in a small town or village, help inspire change in kids lives, know that I have made a difference for someone, somewhere. I want to be the pebble that starts the ripple effects, and step away watching them blossom on their own. Or at least be a part of it all.
The Thinker,
Rita
In the down time between my semesters at graduate school, I find myself contemplating life, as I'm apt to. I feel like I was born with a thinking cap on my head. No matter the time of day, or what I am doing, my brain never turns off or stops working. In messaging someone I know through swing dancing, I was able to contact a peace corps member who applied for the Peace Corps while living overseas. For those of you who don't know, I have wanted to apply to the peace corps for at least three years now. It has been put off for various reasons, ranging from a significant other, to fear of committing for 2+ years to a country, or having life things get in the way. The kind stranger informed me that I could indeed apply to the peace corps while living abroad, it would just take longer. Approximately a year and a half's time, as compared to the six months to one year they describe on the website. I plan on being finished in S.K. in about a year and a half's time.
All the sudden, I find myself walking home from a long day at work, with a major decision I wasn't expecting to face for at least another year, sitting in front of me.
I don't know about you, but when things are weighing on my mind as heavily as this is, I find it very difficult to function. Walking in the door, though I was in my apartment, I felt lost and unsure. My mind swallowed me up and wouldn't let me leave for about half an hour as it took this piece of information and tried to understand what to do with it- like an infant with a new toy. As girls are want to do, I messaged two close friends to talk it out with them. As the Christian that I am, I also messaged a friend to pray with me while I laid my worries before Him as well.
See, in the core of my heart, I know where I am meant to go. Fear is holding me back from wanting to take the plunge yet. Though not for the reasons you might be thinking.
Last time I tried to follow what it was God wanted from me, what I thought he was calling me to, which was teaching in China. I still believe with all my heart that he wanted me to go there. For whatever reason, He changed His mind and said no. In a very resounding and loud way. (See this blog entry if you want the full story: Embrace the Change Blog Entry)
I'm afraid that if follow this path, I will be rejected again, with something as equally painful and terrifying. Though I know that this is rather silly sounding, especially from someone as logical as me, I can't help it. There were times during the first few months where I would have full on flash backs to that health scare, and even now I am still learning about how AGEP has affected my skin. I watch it like a hawk, and am aware of everything that happens to it. It wasn't a one time health blip- it was a life changer.
What if this isn't the right direction, as much as I want it to be? What if God doesn't want me there? What if I screw up or fail the community I am placed with to help? What if I let people down? I want so desperately to get lost in the world, to truly help others and do more than just sit back and relax. I want to get my hands dirty, learn another language, spend time getting to know people in a small town or village, help inspire change in kids lives, know that I have made a difference for someone, somewhere. I want to be the pebble that starts the ripple effects, and step away watching them blossom on their own. Or at least be a part of it all.
So where do I go from here? Do I try and go to China again, where I know I have a standing offer to work at a university? Do I continue with my backpacking plans? Or do I apply to the peace corps? This is the dilemma I face right now. I have decided I will make my decision by the first of September- thus begins the 2 1/2 month count down.crossroads
Noun
- An intersection of two or more roads.
- A point at which a crucial decision must be made that will have far-reaching consequences.
The Thinker,
Rita
Friday, May 24, 2013
Traveling Plans
This year I started graduate school. As I am paying for this by myself, and I do not believe in loans, this leaves me living on barely anything a month honestly. This means as well no traveling for the next year and a half until I finish graduate school. For someone who has always felt the call of traveling since I was in high school, this is a very hard pill to swallow.
Therefore, as a means of looking to the future and keeping myself from feeling sad for myself, I have made the decision to go backpacking through Asia from the spring to early summer 2015 after I finish school and plan to leave Korea. I have never been backpacking, and as fiercely independent as I am, I am still nervous about the idea of it. Very nervous. But I want to do this. I need to do this, to prove to myself that I have the strength, courage and ability to navigate the world on my own.
Now, I know what you're thinking: That's going to require so much money! That's crazy!
But I don't believe that it is, so I will be blogging about my planning process until I eventually go on the current dream adventure
To start, I decided I want to travel for about 5 or 6 months. I also decided that I want to make this trip happen for less than $6,000. With those ground rules set in place, I then sat down and asked myself where in Southeast Asia I want to go.
The countries I plan to visit (most likely in this order) are:
Cambodia (2-3 weeks)
Malaysia (2-3 weeks)
Vietnam (1 week)
Laos (3-4 weeks)
Thailand (5 weeks)
Indonesia (3 weeks)
Philippines (still undecided; 2 weeks)
Taiwan (1-2 weeks)
Hong Kong (still undecided; 1 week)
I hope to be able to go swing dancing along the way, and placed the countries in this order so that I could attend lindy exchanges in those countries as well. Maybe the trip is too long, maybe I'm overreaching. I don't know. But what I do know is this: I love to travel, I love to see the world, and by the end of my time here in Korea I will have spent 3 1/2 years here, graduated with a masters degree that I will have payed for on my own, and be 27. I will be ready and itching for a big trip to celebrate my next phase in life!
If any of you would be interested in meeting me along the way at one of the countries, with me through two or three, or for the entire thing because you need a break in life, I'd love that!
After grad school ends, I'm going to investigate credit cards. I need a new one that doesn't charge overseas fees, but also provides airline miles when I sign up. That way I can start using it to rack up frequent flier miles fast and easy.
Until next time,
Rita
Therefore, as a means of looking to the future and keeping myself from feeling sad for myself, I have made the decision to go backpacking through Asia from the spring to early summer 2015 after I finish school and plan to leave Korea. I have never been backpacking, and as fiercely independent as I am, I am still nervous about the idea of it. Very nervous. But I want to do this. I need to do this, to prove to myself that I have the strength, courage and ability to navigate the world on my own.
Now, I know what you're thinking: That's going to require so much money! That's crazy!
But I don't believe that it is, so I will be blogging about my planning process until I eventually go on the current dream adventure
To start, I decided I want to travel for about 5 or 6 months. I also decided that I want to make this trip happen for less than $6,000. With those ground rules set in place, I then sat down and asked myself where in Southeast Asia I want to go.
The countries I plan to visit (most likely in this order) are:
Cambodia (2-3 weeks)
Malaysia (2-3 weeks)
Vietnam (1 week)
Laos (3-4 weeks)
Thailand (5 weeks)
Indonesia (3 weeks)
Philippines (still undecided; 2 weeks)
Taiwan (1-2 weeks)
Hong Kong (still undecided; 1 week)
I hope to be able to go swing dancing along the way, and placed the countries in this order so that I could attend lindy exchanges in those countries as well. Maybe the trip is too long, maybe I'm overreaching. I don't know. But what I do know is this: I love to travel, I love to see the world, and by the end of my time here in Korea I will have spent 3 1/2 years here, graduated with a masters degree that I will have payed for on my own, and be 27. I will be ready and itching for a big trip to celebrate my next phase in life!
If any of you would be interested in meeting me along the way at one of the countries, with me through two or three, or for the entire thing because you need a break in life, I'd love that!
After grad school ends, I'm going to investigate credit cards. I need a new one that doesn't charge overseas fees, but also provides airline miles when I sign up. That way I can start using it to rack up frequent flier miles fast and easy.
Until next time,
Rita
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
A Few Reflections
So I have this friend. I've known her for 10 years now, and it has been one long ride. Throughout those times, we went through middle school hormones, high school lunches, our first international trip (together), acceptance to college, and a few boys. We didn't talk through all of it. In fact, there were at least a few years where we didn't talk at all. She reached out to me via facebook after our longest non-communicative spell, sending me a short message asking how I was and how my life was going. That was two years ago, and with a simple reply back of, "tell me about your life", we both started sharing practically everything right away. It became a series of ridiculously long messages back and forth, spanning over the next few months until the first time I went back to the states to visit home. After that, we have been talking ever since, though not regularly like with other folks. My friend and I have a solid connection, where we contact each other when needed, but can also go for long periods of time without communicating too. It's just how we work.
I found out tonight that her father is dying from cancer. Let me say this, my friend has been through some of the roughest things in life I can imagine someone going through- abuse, the loss of one parent already, and so much more. When she told me about this tonight, I was floored and heart broken for her. She will be 27 with both her biological parents gone already. This doesn't happen for most folks until they are in their 40's at earliest. Let me say this, it puts things into perspective.
There is so much to this life and world that we constantly overlook, myself included, that when something big comes along and hits us in the face, it does so with such great force that consistently it knocks the wind out of us. I find that for myself at least, I am left a bit speechless and feel as if I am playing the part of the fool for it.
So often, we hold on to things that don't really matter in the end. Anger at a friend over a stupid mistake, disappointment because the boy we like didn't call, or fear of going out somewhere new alone. As my father once told me, what matters at the end of your life is only the ability to look yourself in the eye, to feel proud of who you have become and what you have done with your life. No one else, no thing else, really matters besides that.
Tonight I also talked with a good friend who knew my ex and I while we were together. It was a hard conversation for me, as I still hold a lot of anger over how things ended. I asked her at the end of the conversation if my ex hated me, and she told me no. He seems angry, but he doesn't hate me as far as she knew. I sat and thought about that for a while, as I had allowed myself to get caught up in my own anger and forgotten about his. It caused a shift within me, one that told me the right thing to do was not to yell at him for what he had done to me, but to apologize for what I had done to him in our relationship. Though I'm not sure it will bring him any closure, seeing an apology from me, I honestly feel I have gained some closure within myself. Sometimes saying I'm sorry can be amazingly healing.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but I guess I just wanted to share what was on my mind. I hope maybe it helps inspire someone or sparks an idea within you. Take care and remember that life consists of more than simple living- though what exactly I can't and won't say. That answer is always different for everyone. This world makes it easy to be pulled in by the pretty and shiny things, but never forget about what else there is to life. It can mean the difference in the end.
Love,
Rita
I found out tonight that her father is dying from cancer. Let me say this, my friend has been through some of the roughest things in life I can imagine someone going through- abuse, the loss of one parent already, and so much more. When she told me about this tonight, I was floored and heart broken for her. She will be 27 with both her biological parents gone already. This doesn't happen for most folks until they are in their 40's at earliest. Let me say this, it puts things into perspective.
There is so much to this life and world that we constantly overlook, myself included, that when something big comes along and hits us in the face, it does so with such great force that consistently it knocks the wind out of us. I find that for myself at least, I am left a bit speechless and feel as if I am playing the part of the fool for it.
So often, we hold on to things that don't really matter in the end. Anger at a friend over a stupid mistake, disappointment because the boy we like didn't call, or fear of going out somewhere new alone. As my father once told me, what matters at the end of your life is only the ability to look yourself in the eye, to feel proud of who you have become and what you have done with your life. No one else, no thing else, really matters besides that.
Tonight I also talked with a good friend who knew my ex and I while we were together. It was a hard conversation for me, as I still hold a lot of anger over how things ended. I asked her at the end of the conversation if my ex hated me, and she told me no. He seems angry, but he doesn't hate me as far as she knew. I sat and thought about that for a while, as I had allowed myself to get caught up in my own anger and forgotten about his. It caused a shift within me, one that told me the right thing to do was not to yell at him for what he had done to me, but to apologize for what I had done to him in our relationship. Though I'm not sure it will bring him any closure, seeing an apology from me, I honestly feel I have gained some closure within myself. Sometimes saying I'm sorry can be amazingly healing.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but I guess I just wanted to share what was on my mind. I hope maybe it helps inspire someone or sparks an idea within you. Take care and remember that life consists of more than simple living- though what exactly I can't and won't say. That answer is always different for everyone. This world makes it easy to be pulled in by the pretty and shiny things, but never forget about what else there is to life. It can mean the difference in the end.
Love,
Rita
Saturday, April 6, 2013
A Day to Be Me
Today started and ended like every other day, with nothing particularly special happening anywhere along the path. But that is what has made it stand out in mind as a day worth typing about. A regular day where I felt happy, secure, confident, and unfettered by sadness, regrets or anger.
For about the past month and half, I have felt sadness, regret and anger while trying to digest the break up that occurred between my now ex and myself. It wasn't an easy experience, or one I even saw coming really. It felt like a freight train hitting me in the middle of the night while I slept peacefully in my bed- part of what made it all the worse. I moved out of the stage of blaming myself about two weeks ago, but then began to be angry and want to blame him. Thankfully, it seems that that phase has passed too. Now, now I can begin to heal and find a way to truly be okay with what has happened.
The events leading up to the end of tonight do not matter much. It is the simple fact that today, life lead me on a small journey. One that concluded with me hanging out with my two closest friends in Korea, wandering through the streets of Itaewon and Noksapyeong and finding that our feet lead us to a small noodle joint. We sat at a small table, sipped on either beer or wine in the evening glow of this massive city that we all live in. While relaxing at this tiny little eatery, enjoying some delicious food, the three of us held a really fun conversation over the possibility of extraterrestrial life in the universe. We smiled, laughed, and simply enjoyed each others company. We teased each other, were sarcastic, threatened one another, and sometimes sounded downright mean. Deep down, this is our way of showing that we care, especially for the guys. (It's nice to find people who understand my way of showing my love and do the same themselves!) After dinner, the three of us parted ways and headed home.
It was nothing fancy, or super special- just a good night, with good friends.
That is what life is about for me really. I hope it is for you too.
When life goes well and I am able to enjoy it the way I did tonight, what more could I ask for? Right now, this is what I want and what I need most. Quality time with good people who can help my heart recover, heal and find it's center again. As I once said on facebook, it's okay to be a misfit as an expat, because deep down everyone is a misfit here. ♥
Much love,
Me
For about the past month and half, I have felt sadness, regret and anger while trying to digest the break up that occurred between my now ex and myself. It wasn't an easy experience, or one I even saw coming really. It felt like a freight train hitting me in the middle of the night while I slept peacefully in my bed- part of what made it all the worse. I moved out of the stage of blaming myself about two weeks ago, but then began to be angry and want to blame him. Thankfully, it seems that that phase has passed too. Now, now I can begin to heal and find a way to truly be okay with what has happened.
The events leading up to the end of tonight do not matter much. It is the simple fact that today, life lead me on a small journey. One that concluded with me hanging out with my two closest friends in Korea, wandering through the streets of Itaewon and Noksapyeong and finding that our feet lead us to a small noodle joint. We sat at a small table, sipped on either beer or wine in the evening glow of this massive city that we all live in. While relaxing at this tiny little eatery, enjoying some delicious food, the three of us held a really fun conversation over the possibility of extraterrestrial life in the universe. We smiled, laughed, and simply enjoyed each others company. We teased each other, were sarcastic, threatened one another, and sometimes sounded downright mean. Deep down, this is our way of showing that we care, especially for the guys. (It's nice to find people who understand my way of showing my love and do the same themselves!) After dinner, the three of us parted ways and headed home.
It was nothing fancy, or super special- just a good night, with good friends.
That is what life is about for me really. I hope it is for you too.
When life goes well and I am able to enjoy it the way I did tonight, what more could I ask for? Right now, this is what I want and what I need most. Quality time with good people who can help my heart recover, heal and find it's center again. As I once said on facebook, it's okay to be a misfit as an expat, because deep down everyone is a misfit here. ♥
Me
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Musings in the A.M.
What defines us? Do we choose it, or do the events choose us? Are we able to control them, or are we helpless to the grand scheme of things? Is it through superior design in the universe, or the hand of God? Or is life a series of chances, rolls of the dice, that we are not even a factor in?
I sure don't know, though I wish I did.
Who are we to gamble with the world, with chance, with life? Is it our place to really step in, demand that the universe listens to our cries, pleads, hopes, desires, anger and reproaches? There are many who would argue no. Life is simply an idea that we have created in order to express our anger towards what we see as something that is set to destroy our peaceful world. It provides an avenue to blame all of the negative for, while ignoring it when times go right. We can not sincerely expect that this idea our society has created to be something we have a right to mess with. Life is larger than you or me- it is the combination of numerous events occurring outside of our control, impacting our daily decisions. Even the food stalls we pass on the way to work can affect our moods and choice for the entire day. (research actually supports this)
I would argue that we are in some control of our life. We are the one who allows ourselves to make the choices that we do. What I think people, myself included, need to learn to accept, is that the choices we are free to make are guided, influenced and shaped by past events that we may or may not have been able to control.
For instance, I struggle with trusting people. My jadedness became apparent to me when in college and glaring obvious this year, though the exact source is a mystery to me, as there was never something horrific that occurred in my past where a dear friend betrayed my trust. Simply little things over time added up, like for others. Kids making careless jokes about another student being "retarded", and me choosing to not trust that child due to the fact that my brother is disabled and I took offense. Should this mean that my new coworker deserves the suspicion I feel towards him when he simply tries to be nice and help me out? No. It is simply the reality of the world that has developed around me, through my own actions and the worlds actions upon me.
I believe what matters most are the actions we choose to take upon realizing the hand we have been dealt by life that truly matter. The choices me make once we realize the mistakes of the past choices we have decided upon. It is when we try again, the re-roll in the game if you will, or do-over that God allows, that speak loudest in this world.
We have all been hurt by the people in this world, affected by negative choices others and we have made, scarred by the pain in some way. Whether we feel that pain by shutting down, shutting people out, refusing to think about it, screaming at the world, screaming at ourself, or break down in tears- we are all human. It's okay. We're allowed to feel the way we do. And we are allowed to feel angry at the world, angry at genders or people even- as long as we eventually step back from that anger and accept the fact that life is a combination of more than just chance and others, but us too.
Accept that life is simply that, life. We can control our choices, but only within as much as we can control all of our past at once. Humans are complex creatures, living as an endless riddle.
I once asked my ex if he ever regretted any of the choices he made with his past relationships, considering the fact that so many had ended so horrifically. He thought about it and said, "No." Naturally, I was shocked by this and asked why. He proceeded to explain to me that at one point, he had wanted that person, wanted that relationship, was happy in the state he was in with that person. How can he ever regret something he once wanted? He can't.
Never regret the choices you have made. Regret not learning from them, for they are the saving grace God has granted us I feel. It is only by the fact that we can learn from our past, come to the heightened understandings of who we are, the choices we have made, and the person we are existing as today, that separate us from other creatures on this humble planet.
I began believing in no regrets in college. . . I've forgotten what that means until now. No more.
What about you?
Love,
Me
I sure don't know, though I wish I did.
Who are we to gamble with the world, with chance, with life? Is it our place to really step in, demand that the universe listens to our cries, pleads, hopes, desires, anger and reproaches? There are many who would argue no. Life is simply an idea that we have created in order to express our anger towards what we see as something that is set to destroy our peaceful world. It provides an avenue to blame all of the negative for, while ignoring it when times go right. We can not sincerely expect that this idea our society has created to be something we have a right to mess with. Life is larger than you or me- it is the combination of numerous events occurring outside of our control, impacting our daily decisions. Even the food stalls we pass on the way to work can affect our moods and choice for the entire day. (research actually supports this)
I would argue that we are in some control of our life. We are the one who allows ourselves to make the choices that we do. What I think people, myself included, need to learn to accept, is that the choices we are free to make are guided, influenced and shaped by past events that we may or may not have been able to control.
For instance, I struggle with trusting people. My jadedness became apparent to me when in college and glaring obvious this year, though the exact source is a mystery to me, as there was never something horrific that occurred in my past where a dear friend betrayed my trust. Simply little things over time added up, like for others. Kids making careless jokes about another student being "retarded", and me choosing to not trust that child due to the fact that my brother is disabled and I took offense. Should this mean that my new coworker deserves the suspicion I feel towards him when he simply tries to be nice and help me out? No. It is simply the reality of the world that has developed around me, through my own actions and the worlds actions upon me.
I believe what matters most are the actions we choose to take upon realizing the hand we have been dealt by life that truly matter. The choices me make once we realize the mistakes of the past choices we have decided upon. It is when we try again, the re-roll in the game if you will, or do-over that God allows, that speak loudest in this world.
We have all been hurt by the people in this world, affected by negative choices others and we have made, scarred by the pain in some way. Whether we feel that pain by shutting down, shutting people out, refusing to think about it, screaming at the world, screaming at ourself, or break down in tears- we are all human. It's okay. We're allowed to feel the way we do. And we are allowed to feel angry at the world, angry at genders or people even- as long as we eventually step back from that anger and accept the fact that life is a combination of more than just chance and others, but us too.
Accept that life is simply that, life. We can control our choices, but only within as much as we can control all of our past at once. Humans are complex creatures, living as an endless riddle.
I once asked my ex if he ever regretted any of the choices he made with his past relationships, considering the fact that so many had ended so horrifically. He thought about it and said, "No." Naturally, I was shocked by this and asked why. He proceeded to explain to me that at one point, he had wanted that person, wanted that relationship, was happy in the state he was in with that person. How can he ever regret something he once wanted? He can't.
Never regret the choices you have made. Regret not learning from them, for they are the saving grace God has granted us I feel. It is only by the fact that we can learn from our past, come to the heightened understandings of who we are, the choices we have made, and the person we are existing as today, that separate us from other creatures on this humble planet.
I began believing in no regrets in college. . . I've forgotten what that means until now. No more.
What about you?
Love,
Me
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Embrace the Change
Exactly 3 1/2 weeks ago I noticed 4 or 5 tiny red spots on my inner thigh. I didn't think much of them, especially since they didn't itch, hurt, or anything. They didn't go away the next day, or the day after. I tried to figure out what it could be, and the only conclusion I could find was heat rash. So, off I went to the pharmacy store to buy calamine lotion before meeting Sam at the airport to head off to the Philippines for our weekend getaway. Little did I know that it was only the beginning.
Sadly, my time in the Philippines was tainted by the skin infection. By day 4, both of my inner thighs and lower abdomen were covered in this red rash type thing and painful. It hurt to walk. I started to panic as I began to see spots appear on my torso around day 6. I reached my apartment Sunday evening and burst into tears from the sheer pain of travel all day. By day 7, I called in sick and dragged my poor body to the hospital in hopes of an answer. I know I have no allergies, and being on no medication, I couldn't figure out a possible hypothesis. The doctors didn't know either. I saw 3 doctors my first day and had a skin biopsy. I would spend the next week and a half bouncing between the hospitals and my apartment, doing everything I can relieve the pain on my body. I was terrified, watching my skin become covered in this weird red rash thing, feeling so much pain that the physical act of walking hurt. I called home crying nearly every day.
Now, I look almost normal again. My torso is nearly completely back to it's regular skin color. The red has faded to a soft hue of tan, which is gradually decreasing back to the normal pale white it was before. My arms are an odd mixture of pale pink areas with the regular skin that wasn't affected. My hands are still peeling, but beginning to heal. My legs and feet are still covered in red spots, waiting to go through the process of peeling before they can change back to normal again.
I still wake up during the night, itching and uncomfortable. I still have to apply lotion to my skin every 6-8 hours, otherwise I bcome very uncomfortable as my skin loses the moisture I gave it through the lotion. I still expect to feel pain when I walk, and am surprised by being able to walk normal.
When my doctor diagnosed the skin infection as AGEP, I was surprised. I know I shouldn't doubt the doctors here, but I genuinely didn't believe that he would be able to figure out what was wrong with me.
(for those who are curious, AGEP is a very rare skin infection/reaction. Between 1-5/1,000,000 people are diagnosed with this every year, and 90% of the it is due to a drug reaction. I was one of the lucky few who contracted this through a virus or spider bite reaction. It causes redness in the skin, a scaly appearance where it first starts, extreme dryness, and the skin to peel off by about 3-5 layers. Total time, from start to finish, is about 2 weeks for the process as I've found now. Though b/c my body is going through it in different stages, it is lasting longer for me.) Because AGEP can become worse with pain medication, I was not allowed to take anything stronger than Advil. Given the severity of my discomfort and pain, this did nothing to help. I practically begged him for something, anything. When he told me he thought it might take weeks to heal, I almost started crying. I could barely function- making lunch and dinner took me 2x as long as usual (if I was able to muster the energy to do so at all), I was literally unable to sit still for more than a minute, nothing relieved the pain, and on days where I went to school- I would come home crying in pain.
To be honest, I was afraid. I was scared out of my mind. At the rate the skin infection had been spreading, I fully expected it to cover my whole body. It had already covered 50%. I fully expected to be in intense pain for another 3 to 5 weeks. So when Friday rolled around and I felt little pain, I was ecstatic! And then when Saturday crept into being, and I was still feeling good, I felt like singing and dancing for joy. I couldn't believe how amazing it felt- the pain was almost entirely gone!!! I could walk around without wincing in pain! I could walk at a normal pace! Hell, I could sit still again! I'm still a-ways away from being fully healed, but I'm grateful the worst is over.
As many of you know, the woman in charge for China and I agreed that now is not the best time for me to go to China because of this. Though in reality I may actually be fully healed by the time it came for me to physically fly, I have let the job go. I was sad and scared to do so, and second guessed it more than once, but I know it was the right move. While I had been working towards that job since last December, I know this was God's way of saying No to China. I don't know why, I won't even pretend to understand, but He no longer wants me there. Everything happens for a reason. Everything.
The idea of coming back to the states was nice for about 1 day, but the more I thought about the idea of actually moving back home, the more unsure I became. I believe that God will let me know when I find the right place to be, he will tell me somehow and have me feel it in my heart and soul. Every job I looked at, every country I searched, presented me with nothing. I was discussing this with my friends Sam and Greg this weekend, saying I didn't know where to go. I don't remember if it was me or them, but someone said I could stay in Korea. Then . . .
*BAM*
It hit me like a ton of bricks. God wanted me in Korea.
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! Never in a million years did I see that coming! He wants me here? Here?! HERE? Well aren't you a funny man up there. If you had asked me any day and everyday of the past year, up to this past Friday, if I would ever want to stay in Korea, you would have received a resounding and confident, "No." Now? Now I'm fighitng like hell to stay. Thankfully I don't have to fight too hard. I only had to apply to jobs for a day and half before the emails and phone calls started coming. Ever since, recruiters for private schools are practically climbing through my computer and phone to get me to work for them! I just have to find the right fit. The only thing I don't like is that I will have to teach elementary (not my field AT ALL), and I will probably have to work till 6:30 or 7. Not the end of the world, but I rather like have my evenings to go to dinners, bible study, dancing or dance classes. I can work around it, just not crazy about it. Whether I stay for the entire year contract or leave early and join Sam in Thailand for teaching, I don't know yet. I don't know what the future will bring. Just one week ago I was going to China. That's part of the amazing quirkiness of life- it is completely unpredicatble, completely enjoyable, and insatiably adventurous!
Here's looking at you kids!
Rita
Sadly, my time in the Philippines was tainted by the skin infection. By day 4, both of my inner thighs and lower abdomen were covered in this red rash type thing and painful. It hurt to walk. I started to panic as I began to see spots appear on my torso around day 6. I reached my apartment Sunday evening and burst into tears from the sheer pain of travel all day. By day 7, I called in sick and dragged my poor body to the hospital in hopes of an answer. I know I have no allergies, and being on no medication, I couldn't figure out a possible hypothesis. The doctors didn't know either. I saw 3 doctors my first day and had a skin biopsy. I would spend the next week and a half bouncing between the hospitals and my apartment, doing everything I can relieve the pain on my body. I was terrified, watching my skin become covered in this weird red rash thing, feeling so much pain that the physical act of walking hurt. I called home crying nearly every day.
Now, I look almost normal again. My torso is nearly completely back to it's regular skin color. The red has faded to a soft hue of tan, which is gradually decreasing back to the normal pale white it was before. My arms are an odd mixture of pale pink areas with the regular skin that wasn't affected. My hands are still peeling, but beginning to heal. My legs and feet are still covered in red spots, waiting to go through the process of peeling before they can change back to normal again.
I still wake up during the night, itching and uncomfortable. I still have to apply lotion to my skin every 6-8 hours, otherwise I bcome very uncomfortable as my skin loses the moisture I gave it through the lotion. I still expect to feel pain when I walk, and am surprised by being able to walk normal.
When my doctor diagnosed the skin infection as AGEP, I was surprised. I know I shouldn't doubt the doctors here, but I genuinely didn't believe that he would be able to figure out what was wrong with me.
(for those who are curious, AGEP is a very rare skin infection/reaction. Between 1-5/1,000,000 people are diagnosed with this every year, and 90% of the it is due to a drug reaction. I was one of the lucky few who contracted this through a virus or spider bite reaction. It causes redness in the skin, a scaly appearance where it first starts, extreme dryness, and the skin to peel off by about 3-5 layers. Total time, from start to finish, is about 2 weeks for the process as I've found now. Though b/c my body is going through it in different stages, it is lasting longer for me.) Because AGEP can become worse with pain medication, I was not allowed to take anything stronger than Advil. Given the severity of my discomfort and pain, this did nothing to help. I practically begged him for something, anything. When he told me he thought it might take weeks to heal, I almost started crying. I could barely function- making lunch and dinner took me 2x as long as usual (if I was able to muster the energy to do so at all), I was literally unable to sit still for more than a minute, nothing relieved the pain, and on days where I went to school- I would come home crying in pain.
To be honest, I was afraid. I was scared out of my mind. At the rate the skin infection had been spreading, I fully expected it to cover my whole body. It had already covered 50%. I fully expected to be in intense pain for another 3 to 5 weeks. So when Friday rolled around and I felt little pain, I was ecstatic! And then when Saturday crept into being, and I was still feeling good, I felt like singing and dancing for joy. I couldn't believe how amazing it felt- the pain was almost entirely gone!!! I could walk around without wincing in pain! I could walk at a normal pace! Hell, I could sit still again! I'm still a-ways away from being fully healed, but I'm grateful the worst is over.
As many of you know, the woman in charge for China and I agreed that now is not the best time for me to go to China because of this. Though in reality I may actually be fully healed by the time it came for me to physically fly, I have let the job go. I was sad and scared to do so, and second guessed it more than once, but I know it was the right move. While I had been working towards that job since last December, I know this was God's way of saying No to China. I don't know why, I won't even pretend to understand, but He no longer wants me there. Everything happens for a reason. Everything.
The idea of coming back to the states was nice for about 1 day, but the more I thought about the idea of actually moving back home, the more unsure I became. I believe that God will let me know when I find the right place to be, he will tell me somehow and have me feel it in my heart and soul. Every job I looked at, every country I searched, presented me with nothing. I was discussing this with my friends Sam and Greg this weekend, saying I didn't know where to go. I don't remember if it was me or them, but someone said I could stay in Korea. Then . . .
*BAM*
It hit me like a ton of bricks. God wanted me in Korea.
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! Never in a million years did I see that coming! He wants me here? Here?! HERE? Well aren't you a funny man up there. If you had asked me any day and everyday of the past year, up to this past Friday, if I would ever want to stay in Korea, you would have received a resounding and confident, "No." Now? Now I'm fighitng like hell to stay. Thankfully I don't have to fight too hard. I only had to apply to jobs for a day and half before the emails and phone calls started coming. Ever since, recruiters for private schools are practically climbing through my computer and phone to get me to work for them! I just have to find the right fit. The only thing I don't like is that I will have to teach elementary (not my field AT ALL), and I will probably have to work till 6:30 or 7. Not the end of the world, but I rather like have my evenings to go to dinners, bible study, dancing or dance classes. I can work around it, just not crazy about it. Whether I stay for the entire year contract or leave early and join Sam in Thailand for teaching, I don't know yet. I don't know what the future will bring. Just one week ago I was going to China. That's part of the amazing quirkiness of life- it is completely unpredicatble, completely enjoyable, and insatiably adventurous!
Rita
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