The past few months have been difficult for me. I've been going through some hard times, all very personal to be honest, and not things I care to get into publicly. What I am willing to say is that I believe I have made it through finally, to the end.
I was sitting at work, the first rains of spring hitting my window, and found myself humming in happiness while preparing my lesson plans for next week. It was hard for me to figure out why, when I realized that it was because I felt at peace. In my mind, all I could think was that I was supposed to be sad or upset, after everything I had just walked through recently. Yet I wasn't. My heart rejoiced, and I allowed myself to float in the beautiful peace I felt in my heart. It felt good.
Do you know that feeling? Have you enjoyed it yourself? I hope so . . .
I think my favorite singer's new song captures it perfect (he just has a way with words, and I have loved every song he has produced yet). Take a listen:
To leave everyone with the same sense of peace that I feel, I want to share some of my favorite ocean photos I've taken during various trips, mostly the Philippines, but also one from Taiwan. The ocean holds powerful qualities for me, filling me with joy, a sense of tranquility and oneness with the world. It is where I feel infinite, and always long to escape to when things get hard in my life. If I could jump in a car and drive to one of these beaches, I sometimes think my life would be so much more peaceful. (though if I'm being honest, any degree of nature in this labyrinth of concrete and steel would help me really)
Tomorrow I will be waking up early, packing away the last of my kitchen things, and cleaning my apartment. For the fourth time in three years, I am changing apartments, and by the end of this year, I will have moved another two times. It's nice to learn that I am getting better at packing, and aside from my book cases and bedding, only have two suitcases and two boxes honestly. There are books I have to get rid of, along with old clothes I no longer wear, but that's minor stuff. As silly as it sounds, I am very proud of this. Ever since my first year here, I've really honestly loved and strived for the idea of the simple life with few possessions. Granted I fail usually, but it is a continuous work in progress. And let's face it, moving frequently keeps the items you are tempted to buy to a minimum!
Graduate school is going well. I completed my first paper for one class, received praising remarks and a pretty good (8/10) score on the paper as well. My other class, which is a special projects class, means I get to research anything I want and write a research paper on it. In the beginning, I was experiencing a lot of difficulty with it, and feeling overwhelmed. I currently have three physical books, a stack of research articles from other classes I will be reusing that is nearly as tall as my hand, 18 pdf research articles, as well as a doc with links to about 10 online books/newspaper stories, etc I am using.
Okay, so I may have gone overboard on the research aspect . . .
Anyways!
I found myself struggling to incorporate my various ideas I am researching into a coherent paper, and knowing where to start. After floundering for a short while, I finally was able to kick out about 1/3 of my paper over two days! Nearly half is cited and sourced too, which makes me feel great! It is not even close to polished though, and has a long way to go. But! I am not even one month into my three month semester, and have a full 9 weeks before my deadline. I feel good!
This semester of grad school has been incredible so far, and mostly because I took back the power it held so tightly over me the past two semesters. Instead of allowing the stress, nervousness, and frustration I continued to experience rule over me, I choose to allow my graduate studies to flow more harmoniously with life. If I wake up and find that I am unable to focus, I decide to do chores or errands that require my attention instead. If I have a great morning and find my attention is rock solid (like today), then I kick ass reading grad articles and knock out two or three in just two or three hours! It has helped, and I find that I am able to still accomplish everything just fine, as life has a way of balancing itself out.
Sitting here, 12:30 at night, I must force myself to try and rest my weary eyes before the long two days I have coming up before me. Sometimes when I think about all that I have to do, look within and see myself carrying stress from a workload far heavier than most, I wonder why I would choose to do this. I could easily dump some of these requirements, walk away from the expectations, cut ties with the people or situations which cause me pain or struggle. Yet I never do. The reason is always the same: I don't want to. Speaking to myself, I always say: Oh, come on Rit, be honest- you wouldn't want life to be easy. You always prefered the challenge.
And it's true.
So with that note, I leave you dear friends.
Matthew 11: 28-30
Rita
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